Where Do We Fit?

Adoption is supposed to be a triad, right? Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees are the three sides. A triad brings to mind a triangle, a rather stable shape. Idealistically, this should be a triangle with the adoptee at the top, and birth and adoptive parents at the bottoms supporting the adoptee throughout her/his life. Many times, though, it seems as if the nice triangle falls in on itself and becomes a straight line - with birth parents at one end, adoptive parents at the other end, and the adoptee in the middle, like the flag in a tug o' war. All too often, the very people these parents should be supporting, adoptees, end up being a prize... which begs the question: just where do we fit in the triad?

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Being a prize is hard work. A prize is perceived as a perfect thing, and no human being is perfect. Everybody wants something fabulous from his or her prize and sometimes, we as adoptees just don't have that fabulous thing to give, which is our agreement.

Birth Parents

Sometimes, it feels as though birth parents forget that as adults, we are no longer the baby they gave birth to, or the child that was placed by the state with another family. Whether the circumstances of the adoption were just or unjust, we as adults do have feelings. When birth parents ask adoptees (outright or by insinuation) to forsake their adoptive family no matter how loving they were, how they honored our family of origin or didn't, they push us away. When they imply that adoptees who grew up in good homes want nothing to do with our birth families, they push us away. And insisting that it is our obligation as adults to search and reunite in order to fix our birthparents' issues is repugnant.

Of course not every adoptee had a wonderful life growing up. There are bad adoptive parents out there too, that is a proven fact. All of us read the sad stories in the paper, see the news reports, and understand that not every adoption is a good match. Not one single "happy adoptee" would deny the fact that these adoptees may be in search of the parent(s) they didn't have, and/or that finding their biology may be a therapeutic and healing experience. However, to insist that all adoptees need to search and reunite is degrading. To suggest that it is an adoptee's duty is even worse.

To tell adoptees that you know how we feel is presumptive and insulting. Adoptees don't know how a birth parent feels any more than birth parents know how adoptees feel, so unless a person also resides in the adoptee side of the triad, it is impossible to know the feelings and emotions of an adopted person.

Adoptive Parents

Adoptive parents are not innocent in this tug o' war; they play the game just as skillfully. When adoptees don't collapse under pressure to believe that all adoptions are necessary and that all adoptive parents are wonderful, we get painted as hating our own parents.

That couldn't be further from the truth. Adult adoptees are just as capable as adoptive parents of having adult opinions on issues. Just because a person was adopted doesn't mean s/he has to agree with adoption practices and/or policies as they exist now or existed when they were placed. Disagreeing doesn't negate a loving home, and good family relationships.

Don't try to turn an adoptee against her/his birth parents. Biological ties run deep whether adoptive parents can see it or not. Adoptees don't search in order to hurt their adoptive parents. Adoptees search to find that missing link, the person who resembles them, who liked the same subjects in school, who enjoys the same art, the same books, the same food... that connection many adoptees miss their entire lives. Those are things that the even the best adoptive parent can't give to an adoptee. Whether an adoptee is in reunion or not, there is usually some degree of curiosity about where s/he came from. Don't dishonor that need. No matter the reason a person comes by their adoptee status, birth parents are still an adoptee's biology, and still important.

Don't push an adoptee to search when s/he isn't ready. As adoptive parents, please understand that your child is grown up now and needs to have control of this part of his or her life. Adoptees struggle with many issues when it comes to search and reunion, and having an adoptive parent in the background pushing something that the adult isn't ready for isn't helpful. Adoptees had no control over what happened to them in the beginning of their lives; please allow your now adult child to have control over this decision.

To both birth and adoptive parents: don't dismiss an adoptee's opinion. Listen to our experiences. In the end, adoption should be about the rights of the child and the adult that child will be become. Adopted adults have valuable information to impart. Children who are placed for adoption become adults so please listen to us; quit fighting amongst yourselves and listen. Both adoptive and birth parents might just learn a thing or two and realize that adopted adults care about all of their parents, whether they are ours through biology or love.

Don't make us the flag in a game of tug o' war.