Coping With Separation Anxiety

Parent Library

Preschooler's unwillingness to leave a parent or other beloved adult is a good sign that important attachments have developed. Many experts believe this capacity is a prerequisite for a healthy personality and a satisfying adulthood. Knowing this, however, is small comfort when your youngster is experiencing great difficulty with separation.

It's Not Unusual...
Separation anxiety and distress, and their consequences, have been studied extensively. Indications are that most young children experience some distress on separation from a loved one, or anxiety when they fear that a familiar person might be out of reach. Moreover, separation anxiety and distress are likely to intensify in a new environment, especially if the child has no experience from which to predict what will happen to him in this new place.

Research suggests that, in the case of toddlers, those who have had either very few or very frequent separations from familiar caretakers suffer the greatest separation distress, suggesting that for each child there is an optimum frequency of separations below or above which distress becomes severe. It might be helpful to keep in mind that adults also experience distress when separated from "significant others," although its effects on them are not usually overwhelming, as they are for many children.

Strategies to Help
The following points may be useful in helping you and your youngster cope with the inevitable occasions when you must be apart:

Help the child to become familiar with new surroundings and people before actually being left in and with them.
Express your understanding and appreciation of how it feels to have to part from a loved one. It's inappropriate to scold, criticize, mock, tease, or threaten a child over separation distress. Expression of understanding and acceptance, without excessive sympathy, can be reassuring.
Resist the temptation to bribe a child for controlling or hiding her distress. Planning a special event to look forward to at reunion can alleviate some feelings of pain, but the plans should not be conditional on good behavior.
Some children show especially intense distress during family-life disruptions or other times of unusual stress. Extra comfort will help to alleviate these temporary bouts of anxiety.

When Guilt Creeps in...
Occasionally a child may sense a parent's mixed feelings regarding the separation. If you feel guilty about leaving your child, she may pick up signals of your own conflict or anxiety and aim her behavior at controlling the situation instead of coping with it. If your guilt is due to uncertainty about the arrangements you have made for your child, either change them or accept them as what you and your child must cope with. As a general principle, keep in mind that it does not advance a child's development for her to be able to manipulate adults.

Signs of Trouble
If a child never shows anxiety of any kind at separation from parents, other aspects of her behavior should be observed to make sure that secure attachments have been formed.

If she remains inconsolable in a new setting or with a new caretaker for more than roughly fifteen days, special help or changes in plans are also called for. Much depends on how quickly the child builds attachments with new caretakers and friends; and adults vary in their skills at helping children build attachments to them. But if within about two weeks new bonds have not been formed, it may be necessary to make other arrangements that will be more comfortable for your child. In general, if the child's general mood over several days is good, if she regularly sleeps and eats well, if she seems to enjoy experiences with other children, and if there has been no significant change in her behavior, it is most likely that all is going well for her.

Credits: Lilian G. Katz