Preparing the Sibling-In-Waiting Before Adoption Occurs

Heidi Weitzman, an adoption social worker in Children's Home Society's Minnesota Waiting Child Program, says, " Because of the nature of our work, a lot of us tend to focus on the newly adopted child. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at this from all points of view. The child already in the family will experience just as much change with the least amount of preparation because they're not in classes."

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Weitzman has found that a child anxious to get a new sibling typically has a let down when reality replaces fantasy. The child may experience difficulty over divided parental attention, particularly if the newest sibling or siblings demonstrate behaviors that require interventions. To help children who are anticipating getting a new brother or sister through adoption, Weitzman interviews the child without the parents being present, using a "Sibling Preference Questionnaire" that helps determine how the child fantasizes about their new sibling or siblings. With the child's permission, the answers are shared with parents, and Weitzman makes herself available should the family or the child need to talk at a later date. "This common sense approach elicits the child's feelings," says Weitzman, "and provides a talking tool to discuss a list of behaviors that might be exhibited by siblings."

"Work small," suggests Weitzman, "Don't expect miracles or for sibs to click right away, and if they do, expect it to get worse. That's the reality. I don't like to be a pessimist, but I point out to families that I've worked with a lot of kids who have gone through this, and that there will be difficult times. Even if I come in as a rain cloud, it can be helpful. They don't have to believe me, but once the children know me, I'm a familiar face who they can talk to if I'm needed."

To help parents and professionals prepare sibling-to-be, Weitzman suggests the following tips:
1. Elicit the child's fantasies about the sibling about to join the family.
2. Give the child a voice, separate from the parents.
3. Pay attention when the child's view does not match that of the parents.
4. Be aware that adults may need to adjust a child's fantasy of siblings about to be adopted, particularly if the child expects a "picture perfect" experience.
5. Note that children without other siblings seem to have more difficulty with the transition because of divided attention from their parents or how they perceive the new child behaving towards the adoptive parents.
6. Practice future thinking, helping children project themselves into situations where they will be able to keep their identity apart from their new sibling(s). (For example, beginning middle school, playing soccer, sleeping over at a friend's house.)
7. Be aware that kids equate parental love with the amount of attention given to a new child or children in the family, even if it is negative attention.
8. Help the child do some "grown-up talk" about behaviors that might occur with new sibling(s).
9. Provide ways to grow the sibling relationship, suggesting that they play video games together, pick out a treat together or take turns choosing a movie for the family to view.
10. Remind children of why they were excited to get a new sister or brother, and seek commonalities that might help them renew that initial excitement. For more information about the Minnesota Waiting Children Sibling Preference Questionnaire, contact Heidi Weitzman, at hweitzman@chsm.com

Mary Martin Mason grew up in an open adoption as is her 17-year-old son. She often addresses national audiences on issues of adoption including the open adoption. The author of Designing Rituals of Adoption and Out of the Shadows, Birth Fathers Stories, she is the Adoption Clearinghouse Coordinator for MARN (Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation - MN ASAP) and editor of the N ASAP Family Voices newsletter.

E-mail: mmason@mnadopt.org
http://www.mnasap.org