Traditions: Welcoming New Babies

For birthparents in open adoptions, there are sure to be questions

For many children, the addition of a new sibling is a time of tremendous adjustment. For the children of open adoption, the birth of full or half siblings through their birthparents is a time of adjustment as well.

Birthparents need to recognize that there are a variety of factors including age, temperament, and the status of your relationship that determine how a child will react to the new baby. Anticipation, concern about the birthmother's health, concerns about being replaced, anger toward the birthparents, curiosity, even sadness at not being part of the birth family at this important time are all emotions that your child may experience.

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Adoptees, especially elementary school age, may start questioning the whys of their birthparents' decision to choose adoption for them without fully being able to understand the circumstances surrounding that decision. They may experience feelings of abandonment or anger that their birthparent has chosen to parent this child and did not make this same decision for them. Be open to answering your child's questions, but be aware that not all children will be distressed about the new addition. Some may be so secure in your relationship with them that they may only be overjoyed at a new addition.

Or they may have concerns that surprise you. Younger children especially may wonder if your becoming a parent means that you are now ready to parent them and they will be coming to live with you. Still others may worry about the baby replacing them with other birth family members. My son Matthew was particularly concerned about how my father would react to my other children. For others, your pregnancy may bring up questions about what it was like for you while you were pregnant with them.

If there are any questions that you find really difficult, tell them that it is something you need to think about. Talk to their parents about the best way to answer those really tough questions and then get back to the child as soon as possible.

However your child reacts to the news, they will need to be reassured of your love and commitment towards them. This is especially true if they are reacting in an angry or fearful manner. It is easy to want to take their words personally and feel hurt or guilty. What they will need from you the most is a clear understanding of the special place they have in your life.

10 Ways to Help Reassure and Include Your Placed Child

There are many ways to reassure your child of your love and commitment towards them. Here are just a few ways of helping them welcome the baby:

Let your child know that a new sibling is on the way. This is one time where surprises are not welcome. Letting them in on the news early in the pregnancy will give them time to emotionally prepare for the new baby. Some parents may want to wait until the fourth month to make sure that the possibility of miscarriage is past. How you handle this situation will certainly depend on the age of your child. Since Matt was already eight years old, I told him and his family right away. When two of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, they were able to share my family's grief as well as feel the loss of the child themselves. If in any doubt, discuss it first with your child's parents.

Include the other children in your child's adoptive family. If you are like extended family with the adoptive family, it will be important to also include other children. When my daughter, Katarina, was born, Matt's sister, Nicole, told me that if Katarina was Matt's half-sister than she must be her half-sister too. It was a reminder to me that family is not always about genetic connections.

Keep them updated. Tape the first time you hear the heartbeat, send ultra sound pictures, let them know the first time the baby moves. Sharing the wonder with your child as the new baby grows inside you will also give you a chance to talk about your pregnancy with them. Comparing food cravings and activity levels is something all children find interesting, especially if your favorite foods come in really strange combinations.

Ask the child to create a work of art for the nursery. Send some good paper, markers or paints and a frame and ask your child to create a picture to hang in the nursery. While it may not totally match the layette, it will certainly be the most remembered piece in the room. If there are other children in the family ask them to contribute as well.

Ask for wallet-sized pictures to put in a set of teething ring frames. One of the most enjoyable activities for babies is looking at faces. Who better to look at then the faces of those you love? Put in Grandma and Grandpa and other family members as well. These teething rings are available at most toy stores.

If possible, make the child a part of the naming process. When my daughter, Katarina, was born there was no question as to what her name would be... we had decided to name her after my husband's beloved grandmother. However, when an ultrasound determined that I was going to have a boy the third time around, we were not settled on any particular name. My husband and I decided to make Matthew and Katarina a part of choosing a name. Much to my dismay, Matthew claimed Noah was a "nerdy" name. My second choice, Gabriel, fared a little better, but I was finally outvoted and Daniel was so named, three against one.

Call the child and their family first after the baby is born. My son, Matthew, was the first person I called when both my children were born. Being the "first to hear the news" is an honor most children feel very good about.

Have a "birthday" party for the new baby. Invite your child and his/her adoptive family. Have a cake, hats, and a few simple decorations. If you will be doing this at the hospital, be sure to ask the staff before lighting any candles!

Give the child a card with the baby's foot prints. This is a special treasure, especially if you live a long way from them and they will not see the baby for a while.

If you are having a blessing, christening, naming, bris, or other ceremony that welcomes the baby into your family or other community, consider making your child a part of it somehow. At Daniel's blessing, Katarina, Matthew, and Nicole were "light bearers" for the candle lighting ceremony. While it was only a small part, it was significant in having them do something together to welcome their new sibling.