Talking to Children About Adoption

Hi, I'm Ronny and I hope I can help you with some of your adoption questions. Let me start by saying that all kids are curious about their beginnings and want to know as much as possible about their birth families.

Parents should start talking about adoption with very young kids, way before they can understand. They'll grow into an understanding. Adoptive parents' job is to help your kids understand what happened to them and why. Why didn't their birth mothers keep them and raise them?

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Talking with kids about adoption is important at all ages. You can raise the issue - adoption is about your family - you don't have to wait for your child to ask. Don't ask questions with kids who don't want to talk. They'll just refuse to engage in a discussion. You just talk.

You can share photos and letters at any time. Young children may not fully understand what a letter means but they will understand they were loved and that's what is most important. Explain why the birth mother planned adoption using basic information, such as she was alone and didn't have a father to help care for you; she was young and wanted to finish school and didn't have anybody to take care of you; she was already the mommy of a little boy and didn't feel she had enough time and money to take good care of another child. She knew that before you were born, it wasn't about you.

It can be helpful to share pictures of the birth family as part of your child's baby album. That way you don't have to worry about when to show the pictures.

Question: How old should your children be to start talking about adoption?

Ronny: You should start when your child is an infant. That way you get practice. but keep talking so your child will associate the word 'adoption' with love. Gradually you will explain what adoption means and what it's about.

Question: What about talking to your child's friends and their parents?

Ronny: Parents model what to say so their children will learn from them. You can give information to someone really interested in adoption, but if someone is being rude or asking an inappropriate question, you can 'blow them off' politely, so you child can learn to do that also.

Question: How do you prepare your child for questions and comments she will hear in school, i.e, "your mother didn't love you, that's why she gave you away," or "you must be stupid, that's why your mother gave you up," or, "your mother (adoptive mother) saved you from a life of poverty, you should be grateful."

Ronny: You can't protect your children, you can empower them. Help them to know what really happened to them so they can explain it to others if they choose.

Question: How do we explain the concept of adoption to a very young child?

Ronny: You can explain that adoption is growing inside a woman who wasn't ready to be a parent to any baby at that time in her life. You wanted a child very much, couldn't grow one in your uterus. so you adopted her/him, and you are a family forever. The lady whose uterus you grew in wanted you to have your own mommy (and daddy or whatever) and wanted you to be adopted... couldn't give any baby what they needed and wanted you to have what you needed. So adoption is about having a family forever, but it doesn't mean there isn't the birth family. They are part of adoptive families lives forever also, even if you don't know who they are. Your children are still curious and need to know about their backgrounds.

Question: Ronny, what about school? Talking to teachers or daycare providers?

Ronny: It's up to a parent what and if to tell the school. If your child is having a problem in school, I recommend letting the school know you are an adoptive family. If there aren't any problems it's up to you. Some parents are proactive and like to find out how schools will handle the family tree and other assignments like that, so they tell.

Question: What is the best way to deal with the ""No, you're not my Mother!"" situation that usually arises when there is a family dispute?

Ronny: I think "you're not my real mother" is almost a rite of passage. The response is "I may not have given birth to you but I sure am your parent and it's time for bed. If you want to discuss adoption we can do that tomorrow after school." "You're not my parent" is just a manipulation and you're all too smart to fall for that.

Question: I get hung up on the school issue since kids with erroneous information can say hurtful things - what about talking to teachers about adoption? They can alter perceptions as well...

Ronny: At Spence-Chapin we have an adoption awareness for educators program. We go into the schools and talk about adoption as one form of family building, and help educators learn how to talk about it with kids. We suggest that assignments be ones that all kids can do - instead of a family tree they can make a tree trunk and have kids include all people in their family, or all people they love who love them instead of two trunks, and kids don't have a father, or don't know their family history.

Question: Do you have materials for parents as well?

Ronny: There aren't materials for parents but we can talk with parents about making school presentations. First, make sure your child is ok with your speaking about adoption in their school. Kids can be embarrassed by their parents, easily.

Question: My child refuses to talk about adoption. Every time I bring it up, she says "not now." She is 5 1/2. What should I do?

Ronny: If not now, will she say when? Maybe you should make an appointment to sit and have ice cream and discuss adoption. Why do you think she doesn't want to talk? What do you think she thinks about adoption?

Reply: If I try to read an adoption story to her she closes the book, if I try to build on something we saw on TV or the movies, she leaves the room. I think she just doesn't want to tbe different from me.

Ronny: That can be so. Do you communicate any particular emotion to her when you bring up adoption? Also, sometimes play groups or at least other adoptive families can help to normalize the experience for children, so she can see shes not the only one.

Reply: I think I want her to be so okay with it that maybe I am making too big a deal of it.

Ronny: That may be the case. She'll get there. It may feel like too much pressure for her. Kids really do fine with adoption so don't worry so much.

Reply: I like the idea of an appointment. That gives her a measure of control - she is a control freak. I know she wants to look like Barbie and she is a beautiful little Asian girl.

Ronny: Ah, she's Asian. That's important because of course she wants to look like you. There are some wonderful books with Asian girls. Does she know other Asian kids with white parents?

Reply: Yes, I keep in touch with some families from FCC that live near me.

Ronny: Support groups are very helpful. You can talk to your kids about others and it doesn't feel so personal to them.

Question: My son is one, and adopted from Guatemala. Talking about adoption is no issue yet but I am preparing myself for it.

Ronny: Now you can talk about adoption and get practice without your son understanding what you're saying. It helps to practice.

Reply: In preparing for it, when I talk to strangers and they compliment my baby, I immediately say I adopted him from Guatemala. With this, I am practicing my opennes about adoption. My husband doesn't agree with this practice. Is it wrong?

Ronny: There are personal styles and if your way of handling adoption is consistent with your style - open or private - that makes sense. If you're open about most things but not adoption, that could be a problem, and vice-versa. Your son may not always want to be introduced as having been adopted. You can check it out with him when he's old enough. Something else important is to find out what your child feels about the thing being raised. How does (one parent's) child feel about not having the same tummy mommy as his sibling? Also, there is a difference between open, private, and secret. You can be open with some people and private with others.

Question: Important to convey those concepts to our children as well, isn't it? So they don't think there's anything *wrong*?

Ronny: Yes, help kids understand that not everyone understands about adoption and sometimes they ask dumb/silly questions. They don't understand the love is the same, etc.

Question: Are there any signs to look for if you think someone has said something hurtful to your child about adoption that he/she may not be able to communicate?

Ronny: It's best to keep the door open to conversations with your child. Don't get too upset if they're hurt or they won't tell you next time. Listen and be empathic - tell them it must be hard.

Question: I got pregnant 11 weeks before we adopted. My sons know that I am my younger son's tummy mommy and that my older son has a different tummy mommy. How do I answer when my adopted son asks why he has a different tummy mommy?

Ronny: Everyone has a tummy mommy. Some kids live with their tummy mommys and others get adopted. They're just different ways of joining a family. Focus on its being different, not better or worse.

Reply: My sons have always had each other since they are so close in age. I don't think at this point they have ever expressed their feelings about having different tummy mommys.

Ronny: It's great your kids are close. They are brothers and adoption isn't really significant to their relationship.

Reply: No it isn't. They are only 11 months apart. They don't know life w/o each other.

Ronny: And they'll be a wonderful support for each other. Research says that for adopted kids to have a sibling is great because it's someone else who will know him his whole life

Question: I'm afraid that if I talk too much about my son's birth mother that he may want to go back to her.

Ronny: If you talk too much, your son will tune out. Information is empowering and it's the lack of information that leads to fantasy and makes kids want to find their birth parents. By 'tune out' I mean he'll take in what he can, so you can't really talk too much.

Reply: I guess I'm afraid he will want to be with her and not me.

Ronny: Children don't want to live with strangers, even if the stranger gave birth to them.