Dealing with a Child's Aggression

"It's time for bed. Let's go."

When presented with this request, three-year-old Drew's response is to throw the block he is holding across the room and shout "No. No. No."

When faced with such an aggressive reaction some parents might conclude that Drew is simply a willful, bad-tempered child who needs to be scooped up and deposited in his room with orders to sleep it off.

for California

But Drew's mother, Natalie knows better. She understands that her son's anger was not cause for punishment but for understanding. At Drew's age, anger is one of the ways a child develops independence and autonomy. For instance, Natalie realizes that Drew's angry retort stems not from hostility toward her but from frustration over the fact that his own desires are about to be thwarted. If he were older and more able to articulate his feelings, Drew would be able to tell Natalie that he is right in the middle of building a castle and wants to finish it before he says 'Good night.'

With this reality in mind, Natalie gives her son permission to continue playing for a while. However, before leaving Drew's playroom, she also takes a moment to help her child learn to express his anger more appropriately. "I think you are mad because you want to finish building your castle," Natalie tells Drew. "That's OK. But next time, try to tell me what you want instead of throwing things and yelling." This time, Drew's response is a sheepish grin.

Helping a child to express anger appropriately is ultimately one of the most important lessons a parent can teach a child. Anger is a powerful emotion, regardless of a person's age and unbridled anger is responsible for many of the world's woes and injustices. However, if controlled, anger can also be a powerful force for good and positive change.

"Dave is a jerk! I'm not going to hang out with him anymore."

"My math teacher is a creep. He hates me."

"That's a stupid rule."

Unfortunately, Steve has grown used to hearing such aggressive remarks from his son, Stewart. At first, Steve thought it best to ignore his son's words, believing that the 13-year-old was simply going through a rebellious phase. But rather than abating, Stewart's anger seems to be getting worse.

Clearly, a new strategy is called for. But what? Certainly, lecturing is probably not going to help. The teenage years are a time of burgeoning independence and the majority of young people will simply resent or ignore a parent who insists on telling them what to do or how to behave.

A far more effective approach is active listening. Active listening involves helping a person to clarify his or her own thoughts and feelings.

As an active listener, Steve might respond to a Stewart's statement "Dave is a jerk." by saying: "Your best friend, Dave, is a jerk. Why do you think so?" Similarly, Steve might ask his son to explain why his teacher is a creep or why the family rule is stupid.

Stewart would then have an opportunity to go beyond his own rhetoric and get to the crux of the matter. For example, is the boy angry with Dave because his friend has found a new best pal? Or does Stewart dislike his teacher because he is having trouble in math? And is his refusal to follow house rules a reflection of the fact that he feels his parents are treating him like a baby?

While active listening is a means that can help all older children work through their anger, parents should be aware that, sometimes, it's not anger but the inability to express anger that is problematic for teenage girls.

In spite of the advances in sexual equality, the fact remains that too many young girls still believe that their parents and friends will reject them if they act aggressively.

Parents, therefore, need to make a special effort to let their girl youngsters know that anger is a normal and often healthy emotion and the foundation of an assertiveness that will serve their daughters well as they grow into adulthood