When Will I Know? Or Will I Ever Know?

I am adopted and found out when I was 7 years old. I believe my mom thought it was the right time to tell me due, to the fact a neighbor I adored was bringing home her new son; he was being adopted.

I believe that since I was so excited for them and appeared to understand what was occurring that my mom felt I was ready for this information.

My mom sat me down on the couch and proceeded to tell me that I was special like Corey. (That was the neighbor's child's name.) I was confused. My mom asked me if I had any questions. No, not at that moment. I think I was in shock. I didn't really comprehend what I had been told or asked, but it was never brought up again. EVER!

for California

When I was older, 13 or 14, I developed some facial hair. I got my nerve up and asked my mom if I had Latin blood in me. She was appalled that I asked. She cried and told me I was her blood; I was Irish and German. I found this really strange but respected my mothers feelings. She was and has been very emotional over the subject. I still wish I could talk to her and my dad openly. Any time I've tried, it has been extremely emotional and heart-wrenching. So needless to say, I've kept a lot inside for what feels like forever. I love my parents with every fiber of my being. Now that I am married and have two children, I comprehend how deep and wonderful a parent's love is.

This leaves a lot of unanswered questions to go crazy in my imagination. Health problems are now an issue. When I was a kid and my mom filled out medical forms for any doctor and they asked for family history, she always answered "no" to everything.

When I was pregnant, I realized this was not the correct answer to continue to reply. So, I started to write UNKNOWN, ADOPTED. The change in how the professionals treated my pregnancies was so obvious. I have tried to locate my birth parents in the past and hit dead ends. Private adoption. Records sealed. I started to give up.

Now that I will be 39 in May and have recently had more health complications that may be life threatening, it's re-opened this can of worms again, so to say. This is without mentioning all the stress and anguish of what just worrying has brought to my life and marriage and children's futures and now my personal health. I'm wondering what my 2 girls' futures will be like. I never will again bring the subject up to my parents. It's obviously too painful for them to discuss and I never want to hurt them. I wonder about different things every day, even more so now as I am maturing.

My girls are so important to me. They deserve to have their medical history and ethnic background. I've resolved to leave ethnic background on questioneers, whether in school, for extracurricular activities, or medical documents as unknown or multiracial.

Why should they be placed in a society of white (Irish/German backgrounds because of what their grandparents and their mother were forced to believe?

It's turned into a positive thing for them in the public school system, but I still daydream and have dreams, de javus, and wonder. It's not fair, or is it life?

Credits: Anonymous