8 Tips for Stepfamilies

1. Relationships take time. The average stepfamily takes longer to bond than anyone would like. But accepting this will help. The difficulties you are having are likely a typical stepfamily stage. It helps not to take it personally, even though this is easier said than done.

2. The relationship between biological parents and their children is very different than that between stepparents and stepchildren. In spite of your best intentions, your stepchildren may not immediately love or even like you. You may also find that your feelings are different than you expected, or have changed after you remarried. You cannot force love.

3. You must acknowledge the children's primary bond with their biological parents, no matter what personal feelings or opinions you have of them. You may many times be tempted to undermine or intrude into the relationship between your stepchildren and their biological parents. You may rationalize this is for their own good. Don't kid yourself. Back off.

4. Take time to develop positive relationships before disciplining. Be supportive of the biological parent's discipline. Be willing to take a back seat instead of trying to be in the driver's seat.

5. Make sure visiting stepchildren have a place in your home to call their own.

6. Take one on one time with your stepchildren. You can't create a bond in a group. Take time just for the marriage also.

7. Treat all family members with respect. Yes, even when you are not being treated the same way.

8. Educate yourself about stepfamily life and stages. The library has many books on the topic. Seek outside help before problems are out of control. Don't be stubborn and pretend you have to handle this all by yourself or perfectly.