I had been walking around perplexed for two days. That's how long it took for the lab to process my pregnancy test. Then I was to call the lab, but I didn't have to. I knew I was pregnant! Looking back it's funny how I tried so hard to push reality away, even when my pregnancy was so physical. I felt pregnant. When the nurse confirmed my feelings, I remembered how I had felt two years earlier. I had had a baby two years before, at sixteen. No one could have told me how much work she would be. At the time all I knew was that I wanted my baby. That feeling led to a marriage that I knew was going nowhere.

A CHANGE OF PLANS

I was hoping that I could finally grow up. I had signed up for courses at the community college. Now all that patience, of waiting for classes to start, was wasted. Now I had to make another phone call. I was too sick and had to cancel my classes.

I cried for two weeks, not knowing what to do. One day I had been crying so hard and so long that I could no longer feel the tears coursing down my swollen cheeks. I sat on my bed and decided from then on that this baby was not mine. The baby could only be mine if I qualified as a mother-but I didn't. I was not ready financially, emotionally or developmentally to raise this child. No, this baby was someone else's child. Someone who could be a parent.

A PARENT

I wonder why people can't understand that being a parent is not simply donating a sperm or an egg. A parent is more than that. It is a person who wakes up in the middle of the night, who teaches a child to ride her bike, who holds him when he's afraid at night, who talks to her about sex. A parent is someone who loves and teaches. It's more than birth-much more!

PREGNANCY

The seven months I went through carrying this child, someone's child, was an important time. It was a sacrifice. I wanted to do the right thing, and I can truly say that I am wonderful for what I did. I did it for God, for myself and for the child. He was born on August third 1986. I held him about fifteen minutes after he was born. His carefully chosen parents held him first. They were filled with joy and excitement-as parents should be. I went through a mourning period after the birth. My husband and I were in counseling which helped in dealing with our loss.

ABORTION

People have brought up abortion to me-hadn't I heard? Yes, of course, but that choice was as wrong for me as raising the child. I knew I couldn't raise this person, but I knew there was someone out there that could.

PROUD TO BE ME

This whole ordeal took a lot of strength-strength enough to look at the choice from an objective perspective. I was lucky-it turned out beautifully. Everybody's happy. I think adoption is a loving decision for everyone, as long as the birthmother's needs are met. I decided after that first phone call who I was, who I am. I am not that child's mother. I am his birthmother-and a very, very proud one!

© 1995 Adopting Resources. All Rights Reserved.

Credits: Sarah