It was just a few short days after relinquishment of our dear daughter. When I really thought life was hard, it seemed that I was all alone. No one knows the pain and the empty feeling every day holds. It's as if I go to bed and lay there wondering how much I can pile in to a day so as not to stop and think for even a second. The house is quiet again, every one's asleep, and I'm lying there as the thoughts begin to fill my head. The tears fill my eyes. I lay there trying not to make too much noise when I cry but how I want to let out a big sigh. Once the pillow is so wet I can't find a dry place to lay, the feeling to cry harder drags me out of bed. I rush to the living room so I don't disturb my husband. He thinks I'm fine now; I'm dealing with the hurt. He thinks I've transformed back into that strong person he married.

I really did not want to let him down or the other family members that kept saying I was doing so well, until there in the quiet of the living room I let it all out. I cry for the reasons I can't explain. I cry because I'm happy with my choice. I cry because I hurt from my choice. I cry because I can't decide which to cry for more.

When I had cried all I could cry and picked through all my thoughts without going completing insane, I turned on the computer. This was something I had done a few times after my long night of crying.

Then I saw something was new; I had mail. A smile raced to my face. I thought it was the adopted parents; we send emails to keep in touch. It hurt a lot less to talk this way.

When I saw it was a new person, it turned out she answered a post I left days ago, in the late night when I was having a very bad night. She was a birth mother. I sent a reply, and we began to talk daily. Soon after, we got together.

Our daughter was born on her birthday. The Mexican Independence Day, Sept. 16, we became independence sisters. My birthday is the 4th of July, so independently, we became each other's support group. She was my new source of life; she filled my spirit back to the top. She highlighted God's plan to me. She knew what I felt. She would just listen and that's all I wanted. She never once mentioned the 'what if's or 'how come's. She would quietly support me in everything.

She knew what words to say to ease my heart when she could not be there to hold my head up in hard times. She lifted my spirits. I would call her in so much pain, and by the time we hung up the phone, I could not tell you what I called for in the first place.

I was so happy to see God sent her when I thought I had gone to everyone for help. Even thou she holds no degree in psychology or a doctorate in communications, in my heart and God's eyes, she has both degrees. She holds the honors in my book. I can't put it into words the meaning she has given me. She taught me that the life of our daughter is so special. Instead of touching one life (mine), she touched 3 X 3 X 3. Her life has more meaning and purpose, as well as mine. Life keeps going, and now, thanks to my special angels, I have someone to keep up with, someone who will keep up with me. Coley is my angel; I love having someone to talk with who knows just what I'm talking about. I love sharing with her how great our adoptive families are.

We both have open adoptions. It's so nice to share together. I love my adoptive family and love that they keep me up to date with our little one. They even send me some of the greatest little gifts, real heartfelt. I love all the great people God sent me through my adoption. I have gotten so many holes filled in my heart, thanks to everyone who has come along my path one way or another.

© 2003