In 1981 I became pregnant with my first child. I was 19 years old, single, and I did not make enough money at my job to support a family. I felt the best thing I could do for my child and myself was to give him up for adoption. I went through a private agency to arrange the adoption. It was to be a "closed" adoption. Therefore I expected to have no contact with my child or his adoptive parents until he became 18 years old. When I signed the adoption papers, I felt as though I had cut myself off from my son completely. It was difficult.

Three years later in 1984, I received a letter in the mail from Sandy and Dick. Sandy and Dick are my son's adoptive parents. They wanted to establish contact with me. At first I was skeptical. Why would they want to open their lives to me? The three years following the adoption had been difficult for me. I was constantly worried about my son. Was he safe? Did he have good parents? I was also plagued with guilt that was compounded because friends and family did not want to talk about what had happened. They thought it was better if I just forgot about the whole situation. I felt as though my family was still ashamed of me. Therefore, I was experiencing many conflicting emotions when I read that first letter.

RELIEF

After we began corresponding, my life began to change for the better. I no longer had to worry whether my son, Jamie, was safe. I knew he had good parents. They opened their hearts to me. This brought me great peace. I had been worried about Jamie for so long, and now I did not need to be worried anymore. At first, our relationship was conducted through the mail since I was living overseas. I received letters and photos all of which I treasured. I also wrote, but at first was unsure of myself. I was not sure how I was supposed to fit into their lives. Sandy wanted me to think of myself as part of the family, but I was still afraid of getting too close as I was not sure if I could handle it emotionally.

THE VISIT

When I finally visited Sandy and Dick at their home in 1986, I was starting to let go of some of these fears. I was nervous meeting Jamie face to face. However, I was warmly welcomed by Sandy and Dick, and I began to feel as though I was part of their family. I was glad I had made the move to meet them in person rather than keep corresponding only by mail. The pain from the initial adoption was going away. I felt as though I was going through a healing process. Since that first visit I have visited several times. We have gone on outings together, and I really treasure the memories I have of them. I like to think that Jamie and I have become friends now. That's really special to me. I know now that I did the right thing when I gave Jamie up for adoption. He has good parents and a good home. I could not have given him that when I was 19 and single. I was not ready to be a parent then.

A NEW FAMILY

I do have a family of my own now. My husband and I were recently blessed with the birth of a son. We are pleased about becoming parents. However, I did feel it was necessary to let Jamie know that he is special to me even though I have my own little boy at home now. Jamie and his family are a part of my life now. They will always be special. We are just one, big family. I feel very fortunate.

© 1995 Adopting Resources. All Rights Reserved.

Credits: Mary Kay