Accidents
"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde
Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.
To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats that apply to the described behavior. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the rule and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.
And lastly, don't forget to laugh.
Accidents
Why they do it
Children break, spill and knock over things as though it's a national pastime. Part of the reason for these accidents is they haven't quite figured out the relationship between their bodies and the space around them. And sometimes, their reflexes are inappropriately quick, making them difficult to manage. Occasionally, though, children will have accidents to manipulate, annoy, or take revenge, but this motive is exceedingly rare.
Logical consequences
Have them clean up their own spills and pay for those things they break. If they have to do tasks above and beyond their usual chores to earn extra money, so be it.
Solutions toward self-direction
Make observations that are nonjudgmental: "It seems like your glass of milk was resting on your place mat. Maybe that's why it tipped over." "Throwing a ball in the house is not safe for the indigenous lamp population."
If they're new at whatever task backfired, observe what was good. "Everyone spills sometimes, Timmy. But did you see how you got the carton of milk out of the refrigerator by yourself? After you clean up, let's give it another try!"
Use humor: Pretend like you're a news anchor holding an imaginary mike to your mouth and say: "This just in, folks: an earthquake registering 6.5 on the Richter scale has just been reported with the epicenter located on the breakfast table at the Medhus's house."
Use minimalist techniques: "Tommy, milk." Point to the mess.
Use questioning to get them to think about their actions: "How do you think I feel about having syrup all over the floor?" "What do you think you can do now to make things all right?"
Give choices: "If you clean up that milk, then you can try pouring another glass again."
If they have an "accident" on purpose, whether to manipulate or show their anger, they should also be given a time-out to rethink their motives.
