Adopted Sibs Reacting Differently
LJ
Dear LJ,
I consulted a few adopted friends before answering your letter. All reached basically the same consensus.
First, about your daughter: If you were a pre-teen again, you wouldn't like anything that made you different than your friends. After all, she probably spends a tremendous amount of time talking to her friends, dressing like her friends, listening to the same music as her friends, watching the same TV shows as her friends. Most kids that age probably don't have a good understanding of adoption issues, so it's hard to imagine what was said. You might want to try to find out and talk about it with her.
An adopted friend says, "When I was that age, very few kids knew about my adoption, and very few really had a good grasp of the implications."
All agreed that you ought to respect her feelings and not tell people. Adopted or not, you have been her mother for 11 years now; however, it sounds like this might be the time for a mother-listen, daughter-talk type discussion.
Another friend reminded me that some adoptees never get over the 'bitter' stage. She said, "All you can do is reflect that there were possibly some complications and that she should consider herself damn lucky to have her parents. Very simple. I find it more beneficial to come to the point (nicely) rather than beating around the bush." However, always keep the conversations open ended, saying something to the effect of, "If you ever have questions, comments and such, you can always come to me."
As for your son, a male adoptee told me, "I can understand his not making a big deal of it. Why would he make a big deal of it if his parents don't? Furthermore, if he had issues, it isn't that hard to believe that he would keep them to himself. That isn't the type of things boys talk about to each other, and he would probably hate someone trying to force him to talk about it. Tell this mother that it's a good thing that her son has things to focus on other than his adoption. He's 12 years old. He should be playing baseball and video games instead of worrying about being adopted. But know this... he is."
If you would like to 'meet' and/or correspond with adult adoptees, I will be glad to 'introduce' you. Just as only a birthmom can understand another birthmom, I would imagine only another adopted person could begin to help you understand what your children are feeling.
Best wishes,
Lezli
Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.
