Adopting as a Single Mother Can Happen

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I loved children and wanted to be a mother. I had practiced mothering my younger brother and cousins. Even as women in my generation were choosing careers newly open to them, I chose to become a teacher because I loved children so much.

As fate would have it, though I had always wanted to become a mother, my life was not panning out that way. When I was in my mid-thirties and single, without children, I told my family I was going to pursue adoption. My family was thrilled that I was pursuing my dream and was very supportive.

Once I made that decision, things started to fall into place. I was training teachers at a Catholic college; incredibly enough, the order of nuns there was affiliated with a children's home in Poland. This was a good fit, as my grandmother was of Polish descent. That Christmas I booked a flight to Poland and went to see the children's home in a remote town south of Krakow. Of course, I fell in love with the children and the culture there. I was moved by how loving the adults were with the children. Although the children in that home were poor and parentless, they were well-loved. It was clear that they spent their days playing and learning in a rich, nurturing environment. When I told them I was certain that I wanted to adopt, and was not put off by the long process and paperwork, the nuns told me about Mimi Huminski and her agency, Huminska's Anioly in Pittsburgh. As soon as I returned home, I called Mimi and found her to be welcoming and hopeful; she told me that other single mothers had adopted from Poland. In that first phone call, the journey to motherhood seemed a real possibility.

During the long, time-consuming, tedious application process, the possibility seemed abstract and distant, like climbing a mountain toward a top you cannot see. There were many months of waiting and wondering if it would ever happen. Now I can hardly remember those things. I think of that time period as being similar to pregnancy and labor. After the child is born, the mother forgets the negatives of the nine months and the labor pains. The hardships endured in my son's adoption process are now, for me, a faded memory.

Now for the best part of my story. Two summers ago Mimi called and said she had a three-year-old boy for me. His name was Adam. She sent me a picture and told me about his background and his health. The picture of him was taken at Christmas when he was two. The little amazed face was looking up at an adult, holding his arms out to receive a present. Could this fragile, adorable little niblet really become my son? Immediately, I said I wanted to adopt him. Mimi set up the court dates and the visit with the lawyer in Poland. The plan was to go to Poland for three weeks, get to know Adam, and legally adopt him. Next, I would return to the U.S. and wait for the adoption to be finalized. Then I would go and pick him up and bring him home. Even as the plans came together, my becoming a mother seemed unreal. The only tangible thing I had to hold onto was Adam's sweet picture.

Everyone in my circle of family and friends wanted to be part of this adoption. My best friend and my father were going to come for the first part of the trip. My oldest brother wanted to join me when I went to pick up Adam and bring him home. I was in shock -- deliriously happy and yet nervous that something might go wrong. Mimi and the lawyer in Poland were reassuring. They told me they had made this happen for hundreds of people and, indeed, they were going to make it happen for me.

The wait was over; I flew to Poland with my best friend. My father would come a week later. The next morning the lawyer met us at the hotel and took us to the children's home. My friend and I waited outside the building in the playground. When the caretakers brought Adam out, they said to him in Polish, "Here is your mama." They put this small little towhead in my arms. He hugged me and said, "Mama." What a moment! It was all that I thought it would be.

Although that was a Hollywood moment, the real bonding took place over the next few weeks and months. It was even more special to me because this little boy was willing to risk putting himself in my hands and calling me "mama." I often wonder what he was thinking and feeling. It probably was wonderful and scary at the same time for him, too.

Becoming an instant mother of a toddler was difficult. Having the language barrier made it more complex. But I have never laughed or cried as hard, or felt so much exhaustion and love for another human being. In the two years since Adam has come to live with me, I have had to figure out childcare, negotiate my work situation, be more conscious of my finances, and expand my support network to include more families with children.

During all this, a friend shared something she had read. It was a Chinese saying that people who are meant to be together in this life are connected by an invisible red thread. This is a lovely, symbolic way to think about people fated to be together. I believe Adam and I were meant to connect. Everyone in our lives cannot believe how alike we are in our energy, (although he definitely has ten times more than I do), personalities, and sense of humor. Adam is also very much his own person. His resiliency and his openness to his new life in the U.S. has been an inspiration to my family and friends and everyone who hears his story.

For anyone single who is interested in adopting, I would urge him or her to do it. There are many lovable children in Poland waiting for a parent. It is not an easy thing to do but it can happen. With people like Mimi Huminski and the lawyers in Poland, you can become a parent. The relationship you will have with your child will make it all worth it. Pursue that thread, with all its twists and turns; the child at the other end of it was meant, from all eternity, to be yours.

(The author has used a pen name for this article)

Tracy Corning teaches in the Education Department at a small Catholic college.

© 2001 Community Internet Services. All rights reserved.Adoption Today

Credits: Tracy Corning