You've decided to adopt, the paper work is completed, you have signed acceptance papers, and your new child's referral picture is never out of your sight. It is then you need to ask yourself, "What is this child really like?"
Each of us has a picture in our mind's eye of our child, our fantasy child. A fantasy child is perfect in every way and perfect in accordance with our own definition of the word. She is the chubby-faced, dark-haired little doll surrounded by pink lace, or he is the beautiful round-faced little boy who will grow up to be the world's greatest soccer player.

Fantasy children never cry, never have milk allergies, diarrhea, colds, or ear infections. They always conform, never throw tantrums, and, most importantly, they want to love us as much as we want to love them. A perfect fantasy child is an enlarged referral picture framed and hanging above the mantel on the fireplace.

Unfortunately, fantasy children do not exist, and real children very often come with what is termed "reality baggage". Reality baggage exists in many forms. It can be as simple as a child's likes and dislikes and mannerisms, or it can be fearful memories that can cause the child much distress. Reality baggage is psychological: anger, fear, and anxiety; or physical: chronic ear infections, milk allergies, and intestinal difficulties. When parents expect a fantasy child, and a real child with much "baggage" arrives, problems are inevitable.

Parents expect that the child will adjust within a few days or weeks, will respond to their love, and will immediately love them back. However, sometimes children don't adjust quickly. Children very often are confused, angry, and frustrated. Everything in their lives has changed. Food and water taste different, and things smell different. The sense of touch is different and the person whom they have come to love and trust is gone. The child has little control over the situation in which he finds himself.

Children (yes, even very young babies), therefore, become angry, frustrated, and sad. They cry, grieve, and manipulate their environment in any way they can. They can bring adoptive parents to the point of exhaustion and can upset an entire household for months. Parents begin to question their parenting ability. Their problems are compounded when they read stories about other adoptive children and parents who "never had a problem" and who "lived happily ever after". Adoptive parents begin thinking "What's wrong with me? Along with those doubts, quiet anger bubbles up to cause frustration. They begin stifling their thoughts like, "I don't like this child very much." "How much longer can I take this?" "Why did we adopt anyway?" "Why did the agency give me a child Like this? I (we) got cheated."

It's at this point that parents need to blame the "baggage" and not the child. They need to see their child much like they might see any other person who came as a guest and ended up staying. Their child is a person with unique personality traits, physical and emotional limitations, and a strong "survival will. He is a person whom they as parents will like, accept, and later love in spite of or because of the "baggage". Parents need to know that their feelings are normal and that it is "okay" not to bond to a child immediately.

Real parents love real children in a realistic length of time. Fantastically unrealistic parents bond to fantasy children immediately.

Somewhere between success and failure, liking and disliking, acceptance and rejection, your child lives. He lives independently of you and yet is completely dependent on you. He is his "own person" and yet he is, needs to be, and wants to be a part of you and your family. He is the child that will grow up to be the one that challenged you the most and yet gave you the greatest sense of pride and success in yourself and in him.

Credits: Joan Worden