Advice for Grandparents

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson

Question: I'm about to become a grandparent for the first time. I'm so excited, but also a bit worried about how involved to be. I'd welcome advice on how to help without intruding.

Answer: How wise and thoughtful you are. Just the fact that you are asking the question tells me you'll probably do just great. In today's high-pressure world, grandparents are more important than ever--both to grandchildren and to their parents. Your support can be the ingredient that tips the balance in favor of health and well-being for the whole family.

· First of all, offer your support to the parents, addressing their needs so they can address the needs of their child.

· Be a partner in parenting, taking your cues from the parent and respecting that the parent is in charge. While you certainly can share your wisdom and experience, remember that your son or daughter will need to find their own way -- just as you did when you were a new parent.

· Stay open to learning. Research is constantly expanding knowledge about what is most effective. For example, recent research pokes holes in the old theory that you'll spoil a baby if you pick them up when they cry. And, despite the longstanding popularity of spanking, research shows that other types of guidance and discipline are far more effective. Stay curious and join your kids in learning all you can.

· Keep things light, remembering your own mistakes and vulnerabilities. There is probably nothing more reassuring to new parents than to hear about the missteps others survived. (Although I'm not yet a grandparent, I often remind my 25-year-old son of some of the foolish things I did as a new parent. I sure hope he'll learn from my mistakes.)

· Perhaps most important of all, be one of the adults who is crazy about this child. There is nothing any child needs more than to know that he or she is the sparkle in someone's eye.

· Finally, remember that the most powerful teaching anyone can do is by example. In a time when children are desperately in need of adults who will teach them virtue, let your life be that lesson. I do not make this point lightly, for I was blessed with a grandmother who gave me a powerful lesson when I was a young child. During the first few years of my life, I delighted in my grandma's love. But when I was five years old, she died after a hard struggle with cancer. During her illness she often asked me to stand on a chair and sing her favorite song, "It Is No Secret What God Can Do." As I sang, she would absolutely shine with love for me and with a beautiful faith and strength. As a five-year-old, I couldn't begin to comprehend the meaning of this. But at the age of 39, I had my own encounter with cancer. With two young children at home and a career just taking off, I could not imagine this was happening to me. And I didn't know how I would cope. But then this memory of my grandma came back to me as a powerful and comforting reminder of how to meet challenge with grace. What she had taught me at age five was there for me when I needed it 34 years later. I am here today, healthy and strong and grateful for my lovely grandmother. And I am grateful to know that if I am fortunate to become a grandma some day, I can pass on that wonderful lesson of love and faith.

My warmest wishes to you and your family as you move into this exciting new stage of life.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.