Alex

On March 5, 1992 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. I named him Alex, but his adoptive parents named him Reno. They were so wonderful. They took care of me, and I knew I did the right thing from moment one. Considering the life I was living at the time, I never could have kept him safe. I never could have made sure he made it in this world. I led a destructive, blind life and could never submit him to it.
His father refused to be with me if I kept him anyway, and drugs and emotional storms kept me from thinking clearly. I loved him so much. The adoption was called an OPEN adoption, and I was assured I would be a small part of his life, and he even called me Aunt Terina until I last heard from him when he was 3.

Now he would be 11 years, 7 months and 9 days old. I have not heard from his family nor seen him since 1995. They just disappeared, it seems, off the planet.

I was devastated for a while, and now I long for the day I can look into his eyes again, and know he is still o.k. I would never want to take him from his family, nor cause turmoil in his life. I just want to know him. I just want him to be proud of me as of today.

I have two beautiful children, and they know of him and wish to one day meet him. I am drug-free and in the middle of trying to help my community get a much needed traffic light at the deadly intersection at the end of my street. I almost lost my own life at the same intersection, but I think that I still need to see him before I pass. I help at my children's school at least once a week and have my own window tinting business.

I die inside each day I do not see or hear from him or his family. I have never been given the opportunity to apologize to him for letting him down, or not being the mother he needed. I have also never been able to tell him how much I love him, apart from the only day I held him, and he looked into my eyes before he went home from the hospital with his new family.

The nurse said to me that he knew me instantly. I hope for him to know me again. I think days that go by make me stronger, but at the same time, more bitter that I was dismissed from his life, without notice. Does this happen often? Do birthmothers of open adoptions ever have happy endings to their stories? Just wondering.

I will never forget you, Alex. Live long and be happy. I love you with all my heart, and so do your step siblings. Love and Light to you and the Andersons.

- Terina Aranda (916)332-8468: if you want to find me.

© 2003