(on September 11, 2001)

The day of the plane hijackings was the anniversary of the finalization of my adoption.

For a few days, I had been worried that my afather would try to contact me on that day, and it was causing me some emotional distress. He has demonstrated himself to be a stalker and I haven't had contact with him for two years. Experts say that anniversaries of events can trigger stalkers to repeat their actions, and I was concerned.

I was in a chat room when I found out about the planes. I listened to people who were worried about the lock downs of their towns and air ports; worried about family members who work in nuclear plants, etc., and I thought of my bdad who works in the U.S. And for the first time, I felt as if I really had a connection to a family like every one else who isn't adopted. It just crept up on me - the realization that this was happening to me in the midst of the horror that others were going through.

I went upstairs and turned on the news. Many years ago, I lived in a big city - 7th largest in the world. I was a courier for a brokerage house, and I was in and out of office towers all day. Every night I would dream about horrors in towers (one of the reasons I quit). Because of this and the violence I experienced as a child, the visuals shocked me, but didn't really surprise me.

In the past, my attitude has been more along the lines of, "Well, it happens," but seeing people in the downtown area, for the first time I was seeing a great loss that I felt I could relate to. I have always had a great empathy for others in the world who go through war, famine, and other tragedies, but for the first time, I was able to see and feel loss. On the TV. On the faces of the people.

I have had great difficulty dealing with the violence from my adoptive parents in my past. When I stopped seeing them a couple of years ago, I was able to start remembering and grieving, but I had not been able to let go of it. Since the events of September 11th, I've been starting to feel as though it's been long enough. It's time to move on (especially since I want to meet my bfather under healthy conditions).

So my grieving period is over, and my past is gone. I still carry with me what happened, but now it's in the past and I can move forward.

I extend my deepest sympathies to Americans and others who suffered losses in this tragedy.

[Author has asked to remain anonymous]
2001 (c)

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