There's a lot of information about post-adoption feelings of adoptees and birth parents when don't create happy families, but what about the feelings of adoptive parents? One parent shares her story so others can benefit.

More than 30 years ago, when they were 40, "Canuck" and her husband adopted an infant daughter. "Treat her as though she were yours by birth and everything will be ok." Sound familiar? This year, "Canuck" came to our Adult Adoptee Forum to try to find out why everything didn't turn out ok. She hopes the answers and peace she found - at age 72 - will help others struggling with longed-for relationships with their children that never materialize.

One third of the Triad

An adoptive parent's perspective

There has been a lot of information made available about the post-adoption feelings of adoptees and birth parents in adoptions that haven't turned out to be as positive as all would hope; however, I've found very little information about what it means to be an adoptive parent in these situations - what it can feel like - even though we are a very important part of the triad. I am talking about normal, kind, loving parents who fully expected some adoption issues and thought they were prepared for those issues. I acknowledge that there are some abusive adoptive and foster parents, but this is not about them.

Recently, because two years ago our then-30 year old adopted child (daughter) cut all ties with us, and because a friend who was adopted told me about this adoption site, I started following discussions on the Adult Adoptee Forum.

I was overwhelmed at the feelings of distance, anger, lack of connection, and even hate that some adoptees feel towards their adoptive parents. I am very glad I found the group as I have learned much. It is obvious to me that IN SOME CASES, we adoptive parents are in a no-win situation from the beginning, as our children may be unable to connect with us no matter how hard they try, or how hard we try.

Here is my story:

We adopted her in 1980 - she was 12 days old (she had been taken from her birth mother at four days so she was eight days without a mother's nurturing). At that time, we dealt with a very kind, caring social worker who made every effort to make sure our reasons were the right ones for wanting to adopt. We were told that you take the baby home, treat her as if she was your birth child - with love and kindness and acceptance - and things would work out well. It was also suggested that it was best if the child knew from the very beginning that she had been adopted.

The day we were told she had been born, I remember the feelings of joy - much the same as when my birth children were born. My heart ached for the child's birth mother. I felt her pain and often thought of her on special occasions over the years as our daughter was growing up. I always knew that someday I would try to locate her and let her know that 'our' daughter was okay and, hopefully, help them meet each other if that was what they wanted. Never did I feel any anger, or fear of her. Nor did I feel threatened at the thought of them meeting.

Her father and I enjoyed her so much. She was Daddy's girl from the very beginning, and she and I had a great time. As she grew older, we found she was very quiet and shy. When she was invited to a birthday party she would always sit off to the side and watch. Never would she join in. I would push her to join, and would do all sorts of things to help her socialize with her contemporaries. She kept herself away from other children at school as well, and usually had one friend. Rarely did she show interest in belonging to a group.

As she grew older, she was very close to her dad. She and I had some issues, which I thought were mother-daughter issues. I brought up her having been adopted quite often - asked her if she had any questions, asked her if she wanted to talk to me about her feelings. She would shrug and say "no."

How I wish that I knew then what I know now, as I would have had the tools to possibly help her deal with what I now believe were feelings of abandonment and lack of connection to us. We were 40 when we adopted her, and I often wondered if our age might have something to do with our problems, although we made sure we lived in an area where there were children her own age, and all our neighborhood friends were 20 years younger than we were. It honestly never occurred to us that it was adoption-related. We thought it was personality-related.

When she turned 12, I decided it was time to give her a poem from her birth mother that had been given to me when she gave up the child. I explained I had the letter and wondered if she would like to see it. She sat up and said "yes!" (This was the child who never would discuss having been adopted, no matter how many times I tried to open up a discussion about it.) So I gave her the poem. I explained how we would help her try to find her mother when she was a bit older, but she never mentioned it again to me.

I really wasn't sure how she felt about it until I got a call from her favorite teacher a week later who told me she was so impressed that we had handled the situation with the letter so well. My daughter had shown it to her, and she was so honoured to be chosen to share her joy. That really was the only outward sign we had that she really was affected by the letter (although we knew she must be). If I brought it up, she would just shrug and go to her room. So I didn't bring it up again.

I am very outgoing. My husband is reserved and shy to a great degree, and I felt she was more like him than me, which was okay. I did try to make sure she had friends over to play, and that she interacted with the neighborhood children. The three of us (as her siblings had gone out on their own) had a great time together taking car trips and holidays. I have no bad memories of our life until she reached the teen years.

During her teens, she rarely went out. Her school was a long way from our place so it was difficult, as her friends lived on the other side of town. She was never interested in attending school dances, etc., even though I was willing to drive her to school functions. At that time, I went to the school once a week to work in the lunchroom and she always came down to see me. I am quite crafty and a painter, so I used to volunteer each year to do a demonstration for her class, from Grade 3 on. She seemed very proud of me at that time. Even in high school when we were having some serious issues, she invited me to go and do a demo of oil painting for her art class.

I always felt she closed me out and pushed me away, and then for a small while let me in. I didn't understand her at all. Both her dad and I felt she was very cold to me. The harder I tried to have a good relationship, the further she pulled away from me. It broke my heart. I rarely felt that I pleased her. I felt disdain from her. She was sarcastic and unkind to me. She felt I was smothering her (I guess I was - as I felt she was my child and was trying to 'fix' our relationship by reassuring her about how much I loved her). I was so hurt and uncertain inside, so I accepted bad treatment from her (mainly in the form of sarcasm and disdain) because I was feeling like such a failure.

She was such a sweetie to other people - very close to our neighbors. I felt she cared more for them than she did me, which hurt me a lot. We did have some good times - usually when the two of us went for groceries, driving in the car facing forward - not facing each other. That is when she would open up to me and tell me her thoughts and what was happening in her life.

When my husband had major surgery, she was so caring and protective of him. Six months later I was very sick. She did visit the hospital but when I came home, she never once in any way showed any concern or caring for me. I had some major life-threatening health issues to deal with and later on, when I asked her why she acted that way, she said, "you were such a baby about it," which really devastated me. I was facing the possibility of major brain surgery and the whole family was trying to deal with it.

When she was 19, we asked her if she was interested in trying to find her birth mother. She answered, "I guess,"' so we registered her in the State /Province where she had been adopted.

She heard back immediately and talked to her birth mother on the phone. Their first meeting went very well, and she brought her out to see us a month or two later. I made a collage of pictures - including pictures from the day we brought her home up until she graduated - which we gave to her birth mother. When they got out of the car our daughter said to me, "now I know where my mouth came from." They do look very much alike.

We have kept in touch with her birth mom although we are not close, and I understand she and our daughter are close but really have no idea of their relationship or the depth of it.

Even though I was 100% supportive of finding her, I was surprised and dismayed at the feelings I had when finally they met. I felt threatened and very envious. I put it down to the fact that our relationship was not that great, but I felt so alone and rejected. I am still not sure whether it was because our relationship was so bad or whether the feelings were normal in such a situation.

We live in the country and she is in another province. She would visit her brother one hour from us, and tell him not to let us know. We would sense he was covering up and it was very hurtful. He was caught in the middle, and lied for her on numerous occasions.

Things got worse and worse, and after a particularly unpleasant 'run in,' I wrote to her that I had reached the end of my rope. I still felt that we could 'fix' things if she knew how terrible she made me feel. Instead, she informed me she would not tolerate any more smothering, that I never gave her one minute's privacy, and on and on. I have never felt so devastated in my life.

Looking back, I can see that over the years, the more she pushed me away, the more I tried to reach her. It was a BIG MISTAKE but I didn't know that then. Things got progressively worse and finally, after another argument, we never heard from her again. Even though we wrote - sent cards, sent birthday and Christmas presents - over the next three years, we didn't receive even a card from her in all that time.

I think the thing that bothered me most was that she dropped her Dad too, and I know she loved him at one time.

As a result, we have spent the past three years wondering what we did to cause her to dislike us so much she could do this, as it is beyond our understanding how you can do something like that to your parents.

I was talking to a young friend who, when I said, "we have lost our daughter," said to me, ''you likely never had her... go to this site." That is when I went to the Adult Adoptee Forum.

The first message I read was an adoptee writing how her amom dishonoured her by believing she was her parent, when in no way could she be ever be her parent. I saw red and posted my feelings on the subject. I got quite a few answers and started reading past the words. All of a sudden the light went on. Bingo! And a huge feeling of relief swept over me. It was not all my fault. I wasn't a failure.

I had some good discussions, asked some questions, defended my position on adoption, and really learned a great deal. Since then I have come to believe that what happened would have happened no matter what I did, that my daughter felt all these things - feelings of abandonment, isolation, anger, and frustration - and the harder I tried, the more threatened she felt.

We continued to send a parcel at Christmas, and had decided this past Christmas that since she was obviously not interested, it would be the last time.

So many of the girls on the forum blame their adoptive parents for adopting them. Some feel their motives were wrong (in some cases I am sure they were); some have had good relationships with their parents; some are afraid to discuss their feelings about their birth parents with their adoptive parents; some want nothing to do with their adoptive parents; some love but still feel disconnected from their parents (I believe it is possible that is where my daughter is). So many different feelings and so many of the girls feel real anger towards their adoptive parents, even though they say they (a Parents) tried.

What more can we do but try? How can we do more than the best we can each minute of every day? How can people who adopted in the 60s, 70s, and 80s have known these things when the system was not even aware that these feelings existed?

Without families and couples who want to accept a child as their own and adopt them, what happens to these children? In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption - but what are the alternatives when, for whatever reason a birth parent is unable or unwilling to keep a child? Should the child just be thrown away? Is it not better to have a family who love you, who feel you are their own?

It is so sad.

I just wish I had known these things when my daughter was growing up. I might have had the knowledge and the tools to help her deal with her feelings.

Recently we received a note from her saying she had decided to break her silence. No explanation was forthcoming and she said none would be. We wrote a note back. We are playing it by ear. I do know I won't leave myself open for more bad treatment, so we shall see what happens.

Note: we just got home from holidays three weeks ago and on the way home, decided on the spur of the moment to take a side trip to go and see her. It went very well as far as we were concerned. We caught her by surprise but she seemed fine about it, gave us each a hug - so at least the ice is broken. We have heard nothing from her since, but didn't expect to. We are leaving it up to her. If we don't hear from her again, so be it. But the ice has been broken so we feel free to attend family get-togethers without the fear of a 'blow up' if she is there. We both felt that she was pleased to see us, but no longer will we push for a relationship that is not possible. It will have to be on her terms, but we love her and will accept what she is willing to give.