An Open Letter to Rosie O...
Ms O'Donnell, since you are considered a spokesperson for adoption, we strongly feel you need a bit of education about birthparents.
On the surface you claim to care about your children's birthparents but several recent 'slips' of your tongue have said differently. We hope they were not a reflection of a deeper inner feeling for them and us, and were rather, simply offered without knowing how Birthmothers really feel.
We wonder what kind of mixed message you will give your own children. I have been informed that you once said your son commented that God made a mistake and let him grow in the wrong tummy. Think of this. How would like to grow up thinking you were a 'mistake'? I was raised to believe God makes no mistakes. And on one of your shows, you acted shocked that Sarah Saffian's Birthparents had searched for her.
Before you speak for birthmothers, you need to hear some basic facts:
-MANY of us do search. Searching for ones lost child is perfectly normal and should be anticipated.
-All birth parents must deal with grief. Many are sad about not being able to raise or have a relationship with their child. Some have said that they eventually adjusted to the loss of the child, but that the pain and grief lasted a very long time. Others have said that life was never the same after placing the child. Birthparents' whole lives are affected.
Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors' home by friends and relatives. But birthparents' grief differs from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened. We have never been able to pass through the written Five Stages of Grief and thus were, many times, just 'stuck' in an abyss of unresolved grief.
Why would anyone actually believe we just had our children, signed the papers and 'forgot' about them? Relinquishing a child is not like selling a house. Children are not a commodity to be released and forgotten. Bonds begin in the womb.
I am a reunited birthmom, and, yes, I searched for and found my daughter. She was delighted. She said she had not searched for me but always prayed I would find HER. Imagine that.
I might add, we are not to be feared. We do not search with the intention of reclaiming our babies... nor do we expect to reclaim the title of being their mothers. It is most often a blessing to discover the close bond between our child and the women who earned that title. In many instances, we did not want to give our children up but were mandated by society to do so. Our greatest wish is that they were raised by loving parents. However, they will always be a part of us and us them.
Ms. O'Donnell, please do not read me wrong. I am not against adoption. I commend you for what you are trying to do for adopting parents and children in need of adoption. However, I truly believe that you need to examine your opinions of the people who really make this possible.. birthparents.
I have often heard you stand up for a cause and announce participation in events it sponsors. We invite you to march with us next July in Washington, DC in support of open records, so that adopted persons will have the same right as every other person: to know the medical history and heritage of their biological ancestors.
People are dying because they don't have this information, and birthmothers have died wanting to be able to inform their relinquished children of medical problems that may affect them. They were unable to locate each other to exchange the needed information.
We submit this letter to you in loving memory of such people.
Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.
