April 5, 2000: One of the Best Days of My Life

For as long as I can remember I've known I was adopted when I was two weeks old. When I was younger the thought never really crossed my mind of searching for my birthparents. I'm not sure why that was though. As I grew older I started wondering whom I looked like. People said I looked like my dad and I liked hearing that, but I wanted to know someone who I looked like that I was also genetically related to. I knew I had been born in the town next to where I lived so I wondered if my birthmother had found me somehow and wanted to see me and if I was ok. Whenever I went out in public I would look at people to see if they were what I thought was staring at me and possibly who looked like me.

When I was a freshman in high school people were talking about their ethnicity and where their families came from. I thought to myself that I know where my adoptive family is from, but I had no idea what genes I had. I mentioned that to my mom and she said I was Spanish, Irish, and German. I asked her how she knew that and she said she always knew that because it was on the papers she was given when I arrived home. I asked her if I could see the papers because now I was really curious. The paper said that my name at birth was Rebecca Ann. These papers included my hospital papers when I was born and my birthmother's name. All her information was very well crossed out. I tried to hold it up to the light and see what it said, but that didn't work. But the papers did say that because I was born premature that I stayed in the hospital for two extra weeks and my birthparents came in everyday to feed me. Learning the little piece of information about my ethnicity and my name was really exciting. This made me think a little more about who I could have come from. I thought about what my parents had always said could have been the reason that my birthparents gave me up for adoption. I wondered if that were the right reason, if they were just making up that reason because the real one was worse or they didn't know why and thought that reason made the most sense.

As the days turned into years I thought more and more about searching for my birthparents. My parents had divorced when I was five years old, and my father remarried when I was eleven years old. My stepmother's family didn't replace the family I already had, they were an addition. I was thinking with my high school graduation nearing it would be nice to have my birthparents there (even though I didn't expect it to happen) and have an addition to my already very large and confusing family. One day I told my mom that I wanted to search for my birthmother. Her response was something like "We'll see" or "I don't think it's such a good time right now". Finally I told her I was serious about searching and it was something I really wanted to do. That was when she realized that I wasn't kidding. She said we would have to talk to my dad about it and see what he said.

My parents and I sat down one Saturday to talk about how we should go about this search and if we all felt it was the right time to search. My mom said the adoption agency that I was adopted through had closed, but my records were sent to Catholic Charities in Lynn, Massachusetts, and we could meet with the social worker there to see what we could do. The three of us went to meet with the social worker whose name is Lisa. We all agreed that before I could search I had to meet with Lisa alone to discuss all of the possible outcomes my search could have, both positive and negative. I also had to go to an adoption conference with my mom in Washington, DC. I thought those were all reasonable conditions because I had no idea what to expect. I started to meet with Lisa alone and we discussed some of what she knew about my birthparents. She didn't tell me their names or where they lived because when I was adopted it was considered a closed adoption, which meant that my birthparents didn't know the names of my adoptive parents and where they lived and vice versa. She told me that she had a bunch of letters my mom had written at different points over the years for my birthparents not knowing if they would ever get to read them all kept in my record. She told me that my birthmother had been married at least twice and she may not have told anyone in her family I was even born, which meant it may be hard for her now to tell them if she agreed to meet me. Lisa informed me that my birthmother might have also had another baby that was on life support and had died. That meant she would have lost two babies, which could have been really hard for her to deal with, and be something she doesn't want to remember if she'd tried to forget about it over the years. Another scenario could be that she was really excited about hearing from me and had always wanted to know where I was and if I was ok.

The last part of the "deal" I had to complete was to go with my mom to the adoption conference. I found it very interesting listening to other people's searches and reunions. Some of the reunions had worked out and others hadn't. This was all good preparation for what the outcome of my search could be. I also wondered if my birthmother was there at the conference searching for me and we just didn't recognize each other. Once we got home it was settled. I definitely wanted to search, even though it was my senior year in high school and I was preparing for graduation and going to college in the fall. My parents said to me that 18 years ago a decision was made that changed the rest of my life that I had no control over, so it was now up to me. Whatever I wanted to do at that point they would support me 100%. I wanted to search! Lisa, my social worker was now in control of the search. She said that if she had my birthmother's social security number the search would be very easy. I knew that in the records Lisa had my birthmother's name in it. I asked her if she could tell me what her name was. She told me my birthmother's name was Della. She couldn't tell me her last name in case she didn't respond to my search. This way her name would still be confidential. That Thanksgiving, when going around the table to say what we were thankful for, I said knowing my birthmother's name. Knowing this made her somewhat of a person rather than being someone in my imagination.

Lisa had her social security number and seemed to find her very quickly. I was very excited and hoped she would be glad to hear from me after nineteen years, but also keeping in the back of my mind that she may not want any contact with me. The first step to contact with her was Lisa sent her a very vague letter in the mail saying she had information about her birth daughter and if Della would like the information to contact her. There was no response. The next step was Lisa sent a certified letter in the mail so we would know if she got it because she had to sign for it. This letter was more detailed and said her birth daughter was searching for her and again for her to contact Lisa. Again, there was no response. By this time I was sort of trying to accept that she probably didn't want to see me, even just once. I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I would be in that situation. The last step was to see if Della responded to a letter that I wrote and had Lisa send certified. Again, there was no response.

Lisa then suggested that I search for my birthfather, which she told me was named Bob. I thought why not it couldn't hurt. I don't know why the thought never really entered my mind to search for him. She thought for some reason that he might be more responsive than Della had been. I wrote another letter and gave it to Lisa to mail to him, with a detailed letter from her. It seemed that responded right away. My letter said that I wanted to meet him at least once if that were ok with him. He also wanted to meet me. I was very excited. Lisa also informed me that I had two siblings: a brother, who was around 8 years old and a sister, who was around 6 years old. I was also thrilled because although I already had a sister in my adoptive family who was sixteen, I always wanted younger siblings and a brother. I've been told that a girl's wedding is something that they wait their whole lives for, put a lot of planning into, the day comes, it's been the best day of their life, and then it's over just like that. To me that's what April 5, 2000 was. That's the day I "re-met" my birthfather. (I already met him when I was born). My whole life I had nothing but questions and some feelings of emptiness and incompleteness that no one could fill or change except my birthparents.

All day long I couldn't stop thinking about how that evening my life would be a whole lot different. I told everyone that I was going to meet my birthfather that night. I was nervous when I arrived at Lisa's. She told me to arrive early so I did. While we were waiting I was showing her some of my pictures and telling her about my first day of clinical in nursing school. I was starting to relax a little. The phone rang. It was the secretary from Lisa's office saying that Bob had called to say he was lost and going to be a couple minutes late and that he didn't want me to worry. Lisa and I looked at some more pictures. A couple minutes later the phone rang again. He was downstairs. Lisa asked me if I had any questions before she went to go get him. I said I didn't. As she left the room my heart started pounding. I knew I shouldn't be nervous. This was someone that I had met before and was just reuniting with. When he walked in the door I saw a striking resemblance. I couldn't believe how much we looked alike. I'd been waiting my whole life to see someone who I looked like and was biologically related to. Our bodies and faces were the same. He stuck out his hand and shook mine and gave me a hug. That's when I knew everything was going to be ok. Although we had just reunited, I finally felt complete. We sat down and started talking. Lisa helped to get a conversation going, but she didn't need to do a whole lot. After a couple of minutes Lisa said she would leave us alone for a little while.

We began to talk about our similarities, of which there were many. We both have the same shape and color eyes, body shape, cheekbones, hair color, red eyes in pictures, and kneecap that dislocate. We had stitches in our chins. Also, we both drive a green mini van, watch the same TV shows, hate country music and like soft music, don't like to be the center of attention or speaking in groups, and like to dance but only in groups. He and I like things about the civil war, baby-sat, did volunteer work with people who had disabilities, need a lot of sleep, and are very organized. Our favorite ice cream is Oreo. We both played sports and had very strong throwing arms. He played baseball, his number was 16, and my softball number was 16. His favorite number is 30, mine is 20. He and Della were engaged on Christmas Eve, and I was engaged on Christmas Eve. One of his sisters works at Beverly Hospital, which is where I did my maternity clinical for nursing school, and lived in Newton. His other sister is a Veterinarian and I am in nursing school.

He gave me some pictures of my birthmother who I had never seen before. That really meant a lot to me. Seeing him for the first time (that I can remember) and seeing my birthmother for the first time (even in a picture) meant a lot to me. It helped me to put faces to my curiosity and answered some of my unanswered questions. I can't even begin to explain the elation I felt meeting him! I don't think I've ever been happier. People sometimes say I look like members of my family. That is nice, but I've always wanted to know whom I really did look like. The feeling of being able to see someone who I truly look like is unexplainable. I even look a lot like my brother and sister.

Bob saved many of the things that my birthmother had given him and souvenirs of places they had gone when they were together. He put them in a scrapbook and gave it to me. He also made me a scrapbook of the night I was born, which he couldn't find, but he knows he has it and that he'll keep looking for it. He found the calendar that he kept track of his daily events from 1981, which is the year I was born. For the two weeks I was in the hospital he wrote down each day that he and Della came to visit me and who they brought with them. He also wrote how much I weighed each day because if I gained a certain amount of weight the hospital would discharge me, which he wanted for me to be healthy. But that also meant he would have to say good-bye, so he also didn't want me to gain weight.

All in all, I feel that April 5, 2000 was one of the best days of my life. I don't think I've ever been happier in my entire life. We exchanged addresses and phone numbers that night before we left and took a picture together. When I got back to my dorm I immediately called my mom to tell her about my amazing and life changing experience. I hoped that we would remain in contact which we are, and that I would get to meet my brother Ben, and sister Hannah, which I did.

Today they are all a part of my life and of my family. My parents also think of them as extended family. Bob, Hannah, Ben, and Bob's wife Karen all come to family events, like birthdays, and just to visit as much as we can with our busy schedules. We also talk on the phone as much as possible.

© 2003