Are Your Kids Really Worth It?

(Written to the tune of my unsatisfiable (yet completely inspiring), screaming 2 year old boy, Shai Elijah)

Adoption is a unique and beautiful and challenging road. It is a road that a chosen few get to go down. The collective wisdom of the people whose lives are touched by adoption may be the single most powerful 'tool' available to us for leading fulfilling lives.

There are 1000 reasons why people do not participate in a support group and most of them are probably valid. I understand it, I don't respect it but I understand it. After all, to participate in a support group requires courage, compassion (love), wisdom and faith. Courage to acknowledge that adoption is unique and therefore carries unique joys and challenges; compassion, to listen and help someone else that you may or may not know; wisdom from living life; and faith in the people and process that there is more to life then what you are experiencing now. The motivation can only come from one place, ask yourself "are my children worth it?"

It's funny, we all never seem to have time for our support groups and the 4 necessary components (courage, compassion (love), wisdom and faith) take absolutely no preparation.

I understand why we make excuses not to attend and participate in a support group. Because it's hard! Support groups are hard even when they are not focused around something as dynamic as adoption. After all, how many of us really want to get together and talk about how much infertility sucked or how we don't want to get to a friends family picnic because there are newborn babies there. That's just on the infertility side. For those of us who have adopted or are in the process, do we really want to talk about how scared we are to have an adoption plan 'blow up' or to not be chosen by a birth mother. Or the parenting fear of being challenged by our children and being faced with the inevitable rebellious slam "well you're not my real parents!"

How many of us really want to admit that we are different? Different because we have chosen to build a family...against the odds. Different because our lives have birth families in them (whether 'open' or not). Maybe different because our families are multi-cultural. Different because our friends and families just don't get it.

I believe that acknowledging these differences is essential for building healthy families and fundamental to experiencing the adoption journey to its fullest (the ups and the downs). I am fortunate to meet many people at various stages of the adoption process. While I try to honor everyone's choices and not judge their decisions (as I firmly believe myself to be a student of this process...not a teacher) I find it most difficult to communicate with the adoptive parent (or parents) who say "we don't want to make an issue of our child's adoption, we are not hiding it, but we don't see the need to talk about it or emphasize it either."

So why and how do will build a support group? If we all have the necessary qualities to participate and benefit from a support group, why are they so hard to come by and so hard to maintain? My conclusion is that the majority of people have not experienced the incredible feelings you get from being in a support group. For example, the feeling of being 'understood' or having one of your stories of heartache help another person through the adoption maze.

For me, the Stars of David Phoenix Chapter is a tremendous success. Not because we have 100 people who show up every month. (Sometimes we have five and other months we may have 15). It's a success for me because I like to go every month. The parents (or parents to be) are showing-up. Not just 'showing-up' physically, but showing-up emotionally with their experiences, and showing up for one another and most importantly showing up for themselves. Real courage.

There is no formula for starting (or maintaining) an adoption support group. My experience with support groups of all types is that people want them, if they only knew about them. After all, who doesn't want support or insight from someone who has walked the path before them? The key is to draw the people out so they can see a glimpse of the adoption community. We started SDI in phoenix by asking a local rabbi (who adopted three children and had two biological) to speak on the topic of "Judaism and Adoption". We delivered a one-page flyer to all the synagogues and asked the local Jewish newspaper to announce (and cover) the evening. My wife and I hoped for 15 people. We ended up having 55 people attend representing 35 families. We decided to have everyone introduce themselves and their adoption connection (which took most of the 60 minutes allotted for the night). I am not nearly talented enough as a writer to express how powerful those introductions were.

I don't remember what the rabbi spoke about. I do remember the emotions and feelings, which I can draw on to this day. I felt great. I felt like my kids were lucky that they get to grow up unique, as 'adoptees'. I felt blessed for being matched with my three unbelievable children and their birth families. I felt proud to have traveled the adoption (and infertility) journey, as it was that journey that cemented the bond between my wife and me. And while there was no real dialogue that night, I felt supported more than I ever had before.

Give your adoption community a reason to come out of hiding. Then remind them why we do this and why we have to tap into our courage, love, wisdom and faith. We do it for our children, and yes, they ARE worth it.

Craig facilitates two Adoption support groups on the second Sunday of each month at Temple Chai in Phoenix, Arizona. Both are open to the public and are free of charge.

Craig looks forward to the day when the Phoenix adoption community consists of thousands of people of all ages who have been touched by adoption and who always have a place to go, a person to call, and a resource at hand. For information about support groups, Craig can be reached at craig_maron@yahoo.com.

One group is the Phoenix Chapter of Stars of David, and it deals more specifically with the Jewish issues and traditions and how they are woven into the adoption tapestry.

A concurrent group is non-sectarian, open to all faiths.

© 2003