Searching for Your Birthparents

I am the daughter of a woman who probably should have given me up for adoption. I have never known my father, which I used to regret. I am also the adoptive mother of two boys. Please let me share some things with you to remember as you search.

Let me begin by saying that I do love my mother. She, like everyone, has good traits and is loveable. But she had many psychological problems before giving birth to me. They were not chemical or genetic, but due to her living conditions-something your birthmother wanted to spare you from.

Growing Up with Your Unprepared Birthmother

My mother's family is very 'relationship challenged.' Her bringing an illegitimate baby into the mix didn't help matters. To escape the pain of her dysfunctional relationships with her family and her responsibilities of caring for me, she turned to doctor prescribed drugs.

As a result, I grew up emotionally and functionally neglected. Not having a dad around, I was left to navigate relationships in a strange family, totally peopled by codependent women (with the exception of two men who both molested me sexually). I grew up with some screwed up notions about relationships of every kind.

Mom slept most of the time. I have always felt un-parented, like I wasn't raised, but rather, just 'grew up.' I don't mind telling you that as I grew, I felt envious of friends whose parents were involved and interested in their lives. When spending the night in someone else's house, I'd pretend that I belonged there.

Do I sound disloyal? Perhaps. Perhaps you would, too, had you endured childhood with the birthparent who was unable or unwilling to raise you.

The Facts

As an adult, I've had to come to terms with some facts. I never properly attached to my mother. Now that my mom has begun to live a sober life, she expects a closeness that I've always longed for. However, I feel unable to need or want her the way she expects me to. I, as many adopted adults claim to, feel that something is missing.

Perhaps it's my dad, you say?

The man proposed to my mom, saying that he didn't love her, but he wanted to be responsible. She said if he didn't love her, she couldn't marry him. Fine. He was still obligated to me. Who knows where he is?

No thanks. One irresponsible, unavailable parent is enough. My point is that emptiness, that feeling that "something is missing" is a part of life.

Thinkers, writers, scientists, and religious systems have searched for centuries to find the fulfillment to emptiness. It is part of the human condition. It is not unique to those who have been adopted. As you search for your birthparents, drop the expectation that the void will end.

What You've Been Given

As a child I felt unloved and unprotected. Great shame exists in those conditions. Such general care as help with getting dressed, or even a 'goodbye' before school as a youngster are dear to me. I cannot imagine leaving my boys to fend for themselves in the morning as my mother did me.

In contrast, I would imagine that adopted children feel appreciated. Couples who cannot conceive are in awe of children. Sure, there are exceptions. But chances are good that you are deeply loved and appreciated for making two people very proud parents-parents who were interested when you were involved in a school play, or brought home a good grade.

Chances are also good that you wouldn't have had that with your birthparent. Unprepared parents who keep their babies and succeed at parenthood are the exception. As you search for your birthparents remember what you have been given.

My Point

Quite simply, sometimes it's better NOT to know where you came from. Two people who didn't love each other-and who didn't want me-shared a night and I was born. No romantic origins in that.

You know what is romantic, though? That someone did want you. That someone took the time, put forth the effort to BE prepared. They sought you out. They were awake for you. They lived, at least in part, FOR you.

What more could anyone ask for?