As of March 4th, 2002, I still have not received my translated dossier from Baku. None of my e-mails have been returned. Unable to get through by telephone, the cellular phone there in Baku has been turned off. I have been sicker than a dog with a bronchial virus that won't go away and the doctors feel a lot of it is stress worrying and grieving for Allie.

I have been pre-warned by many a reliable source that I have been had! That the adoption was never going to go through despite my faith and the trust money we had invested.

So kindess of another was offered to help us save Allie. Except we would have to pay over half of what we have already paid towards the adoption and would have to redo the dossier at great cost. Fine! We would do anything for Allie! Problem is, despite our good intentions and love for this child, our financial number on the credit report says no more loans until our income is increased by 20%. Bad credit lenders feel we're not bad enough. I have applied and pleaded with over 37 lenders and 22 Grant Programs. We cannot qualify for any, child's life at stake or not. She is not an American.

So Patti is trying to find a job, but unless they pay $12,500 a month (the amount needed to save Allie) we can't finish this adoption..

Cannot get my dossier or personal items back, despite offering to pay for their return. Yes, we will pay forever on a loan for a child we can never have.

The money I really do not care about losing. Its losing a little girl that deserved better. I can never trust again. I will never forget Allie. Though I now must move on, trying to save Allie has almost ruined my family emotionally and financially. I need to renew the love bonds with my children and my husband, saying yes, they
matter too.

I will always love Allie and she will forever be a part of me. I am so exhausted from the fight. They won, but Allie lost. I lost, it was me who failed Allie. I promised her, 14 months ago, I would save her. Ever since I have begged, pleaded, researched and spent money we could not afford to start the process. In November, when I saw her again and held her in my arms, it felt so good, yet I was so insecure. Something did not feel right.

Spent a fortune over the next few months (close to $1000) on phone calls to make sure her case was processing. Being reassured that I was worrying for nothing.

I doubt I will ever adopt again, for the child I loved and wanted and who needed me more than any other child, I cannot have. I strongly suspect I will no longer work in adoptions again for I am too trusting. Love the children and helping others adopt. It's the red tape and dirty politics in the industry I cannot handle.

Thank you for giving me emotional support regarding Allie. Adoption is good and safe
overseas. Just use an agency that is legit and don't get blinded by so called guardian angels.

May God Bless All Of You. I Love You, Allie.

Credits: Patti Ann Borgren