GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.

Question:

I'm a single mom of two boys, ages four and five. During the day I work parttime and take classes at the community college while they go to a child-care center. My problem is that I want to do my homework before dinner so I can have a relaxing evening, but the kids won't let me study. Even though they have lots of toys to play with, they whine and fight with each other until I practically explode. Then we all get so agitated that they can't settle down when it's time for bed. How can I teach them not to interfere when I need to do my work?

Answer:

I understand your desire to get your schoolwork done before dinner; under ordinary circumstances it's good to finish your work and then relax. However, it isn't realistic to expect a four-year-old and a five-year-old to wait quietly while you study, especially when they've been away from you all day. At those ages, children have a hard time waiting ,and they have a legitimate need for a good dose of parental love and attention at the end of the day.

I strongly urge you to put your kids at the top of your "to-do" list when you first get home. Then use your creativity--and all available sources of support--to help you balance school and family. Here are some tips that have proven effective for other student parents (including me a few years back).

*As soon as you walk in the door, set your books aside and give the boys your undivided attention. Read stories, draw pictures, do puzzles, play games. Sit down together with a snack and have the boys tell you about their day. After some concentrated time with you they might even be ready to watch a favorite video while you sit between them on the couch and quietly read your school books.

*Create a calm bedtime ritual and enforce a consistent (and reasonably early) bedtime. For example, at least a half hour before bedtime, give the boys a bath, put on pajamas, and snuggle up with a couple of their favorite books. This will be easier if the boys have had some quality time with you earlier and if they haven't worked themselves into a frenzy with their squabbles. And without the hassles, you'll have more energy for studying after they're in bed.

*Focus on the boys' positive behavior. Show them you're proud when they play well together and when they go to bed without a battle. And if they do get into fights or resist bedtime, take a deep breath, count to 10 and stay calm. By keeping your voice soft and low, you can prevent a struggle from escalating.

*Try to find a neighbor or a parent from your children's child-care center who is willing to do exchange "play dates" with you. Let the kids play at your house one day and the neighbor's the next day--buying yourself at least one afternoon a week of concentrated study time.

*See if a neighborhood teenager would be willing to come and play with the boys for a couple of hours after school while you study. If the weather is good enough for the kids to play outdoors, you could study at home. Otherwise find a quiet table at the nearest public library.

*Many libraries and book stores have free children's story time. Get your boys settled into the story group and then do some schoolwork at a nearby table. That won't buy you much time, but even a half hour of uninterrupted time counts.
Finally, if the boys' father or other extended family members are available, don't be shy about seeking or accepting their help. Or, if there's no one around to help, consider signing your sons up to have a "Big Brother." You are working hard to get ahead so you can build a good
life for yourself and your children, but you can't do it alone. Both you and your sons need and deserve to have other adults around who will provide support and encouragement.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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