Be Alert, But Don't Give Up!
Be "certain" prior to searching for a child, or an adoptive child, "exactly what"
you "expect" to find, & have you really given enough "deep within you 'real truth'"
as to whether or not you really want a reunion.
I was adopted with my adoptive father escorting my (married) biomother
to the hospital in 1948. Yes, first, my adoptive parents requested I "await their
death" to do any search for my biological parents. My adoptive father passed away in
January of 1966, my Senior year of high school, my first true loss of any family, as
everyone seems to always have the same thought..."oh, that could never happen in my
family". Life is a true GIFT, we are "on loan" to enjoy family, friends, etc.
Please do not abuse the health you have been given. YES, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR
FAMILY...there are lives taken each & every day, every moment.
My adoptive mother told me I was "adopted" one night following an argument with my
supposed "adopted father". I ask her about my older brother, she stated "yes, he
too is adopted, however you must NEVER EVER SAY A WORD that you know, & even after
my afather's death, NEVER, say anything to my abrother, as he was never to know, she
was ashamed she could not give birth. Nor could they afford to "legally adopt",
therefore, we both were bought, & paid for.
My adoptive mother passed away from second hand smoke
lung cancer in 1995. I took
nursing prior to leaving the mainland....I left & returned to take her to Stanford
Medical Center, unfortunately, I was too late, her appointment was on March 1, she
passed away in the wee hours of April 12th at home. My abrother's children, not
knowing he, too, was adopted threatened me each time I attempted to visit my mother
on the mainland...a couple of times even beating me up, then when I turned them in
to the police department, it just made for a "BIG MESS", each time I returned, so
yes, guess I do feel I was "cheated" to spend much time with her. Upon my return to
the islands, I arranged for her to have 'hospice' in her county to provide a nurse &
a hospital bed, by contacting my own counties' hospice here in the islands. Her
hospital bed was put in the living room, at the bay window in which she could look
outside. Unfortunately, she passed away within 4 weeks. I could not afford to
provide both the blanket of flowers for her casket, & attend her funeral, (only to
be critisized, & harassed by my abrothers' children).
Dad passed away January 1966. I had dated my high school sweetheart of 3 years, who
was extremely close to my ?father. My fiance' I found one afternoon sitting alone
with my ?father in waiting for funeral. During this time, my fiance' received
his "draft notice" to train in San Diego, & later fight in the Vietnam War. Knowing
how close we were, my adoptive mother (under the circumstances) gave me permission
to marry him, so we were married shortly after Dad's death. I saw him off to boot
camp, attended his graduation in the military
two months later, graduated from high
school in June, & met my husband for R & R in Honolulu for 3 days - 3 "wonderful
days". When I saw him off, little did I know it would be the last time I would see
him alive: he stepped on a landmine in Vietnam which killed him.
It took me close to 6 weeks to get his body back to the mainland for burial, in
which no one was allowed to actually "view" to be certain it truly was "him"!! In
the duration of time I awaited his body, I found out I had become pregnant with his
child. Give it away, everyone tried to persuade me to give the child up for
adoption...too many years together, too many memories, there was no way I would
adopt. We, (his parents & I) buried him in late August of '66.
I remarried one his (what I understood to be) "best buddies" in November of 1966, &
gave birth to my deceased husband's son the first week of March, 1967. Shortly after
marrying the 2nd husband, he began to beat me. For 5 years, I awakened each morning
staring down the barrel of a fully loaded .44 magnum pistol. (I had given birth to
this husband's child, a son, in 1971). Finally one morning, I awakened to him
holding the gun (loaded) straight at me, I'd "truly HAD IT BY THEN", (as I had just
discovered, he beat my older son when I was at work, labor & delivery at the
hospital.. prior to finding out he was beating my oldest son in my absence). He
said he had a disability with his back, so I was the "breadmaker", sometimes working
double plus shifts, just so I didn't have to go home.
Still staring at the pistol pointed at me that morning, I said, "you know, (name),
please go ahead & pull the trigger, as my life isn't worth living like this any
way". He said, "if I can't have you, no one will", turning the gun around hitting me
on my head with the butt. I was bleeding & barely alert; when I came to, I was in
the hospital I worked at with 14 stitches in my head, a concussion, & total mental
trauma. The pediatricians I worked with would not allow him on my floor of the
hospital, & I was being closely watched, in case he got in. Close to 10 days later,
one of the ped's I worked with actually brought a judge to my hospital bed, only to
tell me, "I've done a background search on your husband, & if you don't move at
least a thousand miles away, HE INDEED "WILL KILL YOU""!!
When my amom came up that evening, in discussion with her, my oldest son wanted to
stay with her, & the youngest was too young & frightened by his biofather, he was
raised by his father. His father turned him against me by constantly telling him I
had "ABANDONED HIM", I obviously had sold what was mine for a plane ticket to the
islands to again "start over". I was aware of the fact that my ex-husband was
frightened of water after a scuba diving accident, & had never flown, & was afraid
to fly, so the islands seemed to be the place I was lead to find "peace" within
I did have a difficult time without my children, however, I would sneak back at some
point during the holidays' to try to spend it with my amom & sons, as well as my
oldest son spending each summer & spring vacation with me here...he did not want to
live in the islands. He was quite athletic & stated he doubted the standard of
competition in the islands.
My "adoptive family never understood, & held it against me, stating each time I
attempted to visit my adoptive mother, "what are you doing here, you don't
belong...YOU'RE ADOPTED, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, SO JUST GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME
FROM." If I didn't leave within a day, one of them would show up & remind me to
leave, knowing I would be beaten by my nieces. My adoptive mother was too ill to put
her through the turmoil of "family"! So, I would say my aloha's to Mom & head back
to the islands.
Unknowingly, my ex had turned my youngest so much against me that he ran from me.
Every card, every gift I ever sent was "unopened: return to sender". Adding it all
up = "major hurt"!! I lived & worked on one island for several years in the visitor
industry, was offered a job on another island for two years to open a new helicopter
company. Moving from the island I originally came to, the island the company wanted
me to take up residence in was a nice area across from a famous surfing beach.
Little did I know my photos of my sons on my wall, as well as my proudly
framed "final divorce degree" were about to be swept to sea during a hurricane!
Again, I lost everything. I stayed on that island for two years from when I went &
assisted in opening the helicopter company as well as helping in rebuilding the
island. I left the helicopter company & was offered a job tending the bar for
conventions at one of the major hotels.
I made a lateral transfer back to the island I'd originally come to work for, the
same hotel company, making a decent living, & rebuilding. It was 11 years later, I
remarried an old acquaintance I'd met prior to moving to the other island. I am so
very thankful, he also is a Vietnam Veteran. I am truly blessed to have this man as
my husband; we've been married since '84. He truly is a godsend, however, I don't
think he really deeply understands the hardship of my adoption
from my feelings
within. He is wonderful to me. One night having dinner at a local restaurant, about
a year ago, I told him, "you know, you've gone from 'passive to docile'!" He truly
is the love of my life & salvation.
About a month after my adoptive mom's death, I received a telephone call from my
sister-in-law stating that in going through all of Mom's belongings, they'd come
across a genealogy
book, stating that both my brother & I were adopted, she
questioned me if it was true. I took a couple of deep breaths, & answered, "I
really don't think I can answer that", she then stated that my silence & answer gave
them the information they were inquiring about. I explained to her that I had
assisted in updating the genealogy book in which they had, & further had found out
in a "adoptive cousins'" statement telling me that my adoptive brothers' mother &
older sister were deceased, therefore, I told my sister-in-law over the phone, there
would be no reason for him to "search", as I had already found out of their demise.
She stated that my adoptive mom would always be considered his only Mom!
This conversation took place in spring of 1995, I've spoken to my adopted brother
once over the telephone, I called him Thanksgiving Day, 2000. Just checking in to
be sure everyone was well.
When my youngest son turned 18, he told his biological father what he thought of
his "so-called mind games", argued with him, then contacted my adopted mom to see if
he could live with her. Within 2 weeks, he was living with my husband & myself here
on the island.
He found work here & eventually got his own apartment, with major apologies' to me
for his childhood. I explained that was in the past, & we should leave it there. He
is currently 30 years old, living 100 miles from his father. He, his wife, & his
wife's son, (whom he adopted after they married, here on island) visit at least once
per year, sometimes more. We're finally making up for lost time.
My oldest son, by my 1st husband,joined the Navy in 1985, when he turned 18, was
assigned to a "destroyer ship" during the Persian Gulf War. I am quite thankful he
is now out of the military, married & has a son 13 years old. He is an electrician
now 33 years old, also living not far from his younger half-brother. I received a
telephone call one day about 4 years ago, an electrical panel had blown up in his
face, & he was in the "burn unit" at a bay area hospital. In speaking with the
nurses'& doctors', they found he had minor, (which could lead to major) trauma to
his heart, & they needed his health background.
Okay, so I was 48 years old, I realized I HAD TO FIND MY BIOLOGICAL MOM, at least,
for his health. Going on what few clues I had, I found my biological mother living
with my ?sister on the East Coast of the mainland....WOW, going from hardly no
family to a large family on the East coast; it's quite a transition. I visited them
two months after finding them, & my ?sister visited my husband & myself in 1998.
My biomother lives with my ?sister & her husband; she also has rheumatoid arthritis,
heart problems, and mild diabetes. My ?sister has two children both grown with
children, she is 5 years older than I am. I was told to me that my "biological
parents" simply could not afford to feed another when my biomom became pregnant with
me, at that time they had moved to the West Coast, Los Angeles area, where they met
my adoptive parents. Yes, by now you are wondering what is ?sister, we've discussed
the situation, & my so-believed adoptive father just truly may be my biological
father. My ?sister & I have agreed we will have a DNA test to find out whom was my
biological father, after my Mom passes, or sooner without her knowing. They are
truly loving & accepting of me, & my family. My biological mother & ?father,
(deceased 1994) NEVER SPOKE A WORD OF ME...therefore, the family was a bit shocked
48 years later.
A person must be very cautious in the way they attempt to "introduce themselves"
whether they are the adoptee or adoptive parent
. It generally hurts a lot to know
you are "NOT WANTED" with no explanation.
Since I've been searching for my bioparents' (before I found them), I've assisted
two other adoptees' over the internet, by finding their biofamilies. A young woman
attending college wrote me regarding finding her bioparents...I took some
information, and within 2 weeks, I found her biomother teaching school in Istanbul,
Turkey, a week later, I found her biological father living in Singapore. I
counseled this young lady as to what I might find, what was she looking for, a
permanent relationship, a bond, or what, I told her to really reach down inside her
inner being, give it a lot of thought, then let me know...I'm happy to say she & her
biological mother spend each summer together. "A SUCCESS STORY", Yea!
I had another young married lady, e-mail me from New York in search of her biological
mother who supposedly was last known to be in Honolulu.The following week, I'd
unfortunately found her biomother had passed away just 6 months prior, however, I
also found one of her biological sisters' living right here on the same island I'm
on, & another biological brother on the mainland US.
I know, I've been there, but one must really dig deep inside themselves to ask &
test themselves if they can & are really ready for whatever I might find. I also
recommend psychotherapy, or someone to talk to. Remember you will be dredging up old
memories, perhaps allot of hurt, perhaps being rejected again. PLEASE THINK
ABOUT ALL THESE THINGS, & then be alert, you don't really want to bring more misery
to yourself or your biological parents. BUT, THEN AGAIN....IT COULD BRING CLOSURE,
AND/OR A LOT OF HAPPY TIMES AHEAD.
Time lost, memories can be made. I do these searches' at no cost, as we never know
the outcome, & I just love to see people "happy" & live with possible future
memories to last a lifetime. Should you decide to search, please e-mail me at:
firstname.lastname@example.org, & I will do all I can for you. Remember, "I'VE BEEN THERE &
BACK!! With all the mess our world is in, we must live for today, take one day at a
time. I cannot always guarantee success, however, after being there myself, & being
successful in the searches I have done, some take longer than others, depending on
all information you can provide to me. Your information is "Top Secret", & never
goes any further...you can see though my not mentioning any names, cities, except
New York....it's "YOUR BUSINESS" no one else, I swear to secrecy.
Life is a gift, sometimes given to us when we least expect it, or can afford it, or
many other reasons. Life is precious, just remember if you are alive & an adoptee,
you have allot to be thankful for. Always keep in mind, money cannot "buy"
happiness, nor health, & so very much more. Be strong, be positive, I've told you
my story, & it has made me a much stronger person, actually a lot more happiness than
you can even begin to image. I look forward to assisting anyone, but please don't
waste time, that's part of the thought process we all must go through before we
Much aloha & happiness to you all....never consider suicide, as you only hurt the
people who truly love you, & that is not fair to them; it is a very selfish act.
Someone really loves you bunches, life is beautiful, & learning more each day. Don't
cheat the people in your life.
Please feel free to contact me at any time at the above e-mail address. Live the life
you've been given, & make the most of every moment of every day, 5 minutes ago is
now a memory.
***PLEASE BE VERY CAUTIOUS, THERE ARE MANY AGENCIES OUT THERE THAT WILL DRAIN YOU MOMENTARILY*** You are important, live life to it's fullest, & be happy. In this
world we are constantly "tested" like my biography, never let anything or anyone get
Love & be loved, as you know you are a very special person.