Behavior Changes
Question: My nine-year-old son (a third grader) was always a sweet, easy-going, happy child. But in the last couple of months he's become increasingly belligerent with his sisters and sullen with us. I keep hearing that kids go into adolescent rebellion earlier than ever, but could this possibly be what's up with a nine-year-old?
Answer: Many parents bemoan the fact that their children become adolescents way too soon these days. However, even as children approach adolescence, such a sudden change in behavior is not typical. It is more likely that your son is experiencing stress in some part of his life. Often when children are sad or anxious, it comes out as anger. And those feelings often are expressed in the relative safety of home--albeit in a way that makes life hard for the rest of the family. There are several steps you can take to uncover the reasons for your son's behavior change and to support him through whatever is bothering him.
Talk calmly and directly to your son about the changes you have noticed. In a supportive way, tell him you think something must be bothering him and you would like to help him deal with it. Encourage him to tell you about his schoolwork, the ride on the school bus, and his experiences with his peers in the lunchroom or on the playground. Are there areas of his life where he is feeling socially rejected or unable to keep up with his peers or the expectations of teachers or coaches?
Ask for a special conference with your son's teacher to learn about how he gets along with his peers and how he is doing in his schoolwork. In third grade academic tasks increase in difficulty and complexity, and sometimes learning problems become apparent at that time. Build a partnership with his teacher to ensure that you are working together to offer extra support and encouragement, even as you both let him know he will not be allowed to take his feelings out on others.
Look closely at what is happening at home or in the neighborhood. Has there been a change in your work situation? Increased conflict with your spouse or other family members? Anything new with his sisters (even a recent success that triggered jealousy, especially if things were not going so well for your son)?
By considering and addressing the potential areas of stress in your son's life--and pulling together with his teacher--you will have the best chance to support your son through this challenging time. But if the difficult behavior continues for more than a few weeks, I urge you to seek help from a mental health professional. Sullen, aggressive behavior often reflects underlying emotional problems, including depression. Getting help early is the surest way to help your son recover his relaxed, sunny personality.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
