The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Birthday Hassles

Why they do it

Some children act up during their own birthday party, because they're just so overwhelmed with various emotions-excitement, anticipation, frustration, disappointment, and so on. Children act up at other kids' birthday parties because they're quite obviously not the center of attention.

Logical consequences

If your children can't behave well at a birthday party, whether it's for them or for another child, take them away from the party. Take them home, if you have to. Tell them you can't allow them to spoil the day for everyone else.

If your children don't show thanks for a gift, even after a gentle reminder, that gift should be immediately taken away and either returned or donated to a needy and more appreciative child.

Solutions toward self-direction

Before your children go to another child's party, discuss how they might feel about someone else's getting all of the attention.

Give information like "The purpose of birthday parties is to show our friends and families how glad we are to have had another great year together." So, it's their responsibility to see that all of their guests have a good time.

Allow your children help plan their own party. They feel empowered when you give choices: "Do you want a chocolate or vanilla birthday cake?" If they're a guest, help them find some way to contribute to make the party more fun for the guest of honor. For instance, maybe they can make up a special party game.

Instead of gifts from the guests, ask them to bring a used or new book to donate to the school library, or something similar. Your children should be the ones to decide what sorts of items to donate, and they should be the lucky devils who get to hand over the presents in person. When they do, they will feel so proud that their altruism will become addictive. Afterwards, ask them questions: "How did it make you feel to give those books to the library?" "How do you think Mrs. Godfrey, the librarian, felt about your generosity?" Add impartial descriptions like "Those books will make a big difference in your school library. I'll bet lots of kids will enjoy checking them out year after year."