Birthmother Day

What is Birth Mother's Day?

Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May and observed with a public ceremony.

Birth Mother's Day was created in 1990 by a group of Seattle Washington birth mothers who met each other at a birth parent support group. It grew out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. Yet birth mothers have been shut out of the traditional celebration and remembrances of the holiday. Most birth mothers are neither named nor recognized among the mothers in our midst. For most birth mothers there are no cards or flowers. Society treats the motherhood of the birth mother as a momentary event that fades quickly from the collective memory. It often seems we are even forgotten by those who received the gift and the privilege of parenthood through the birth mother's loss. This invisibility and silence gives adopted children and adults the message they are forgotten by their birth mothers and that, they too, have no place for expressing their feelings, thoughts or questions about the woman who gave the gift of life.

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day. There are several reasons for this. The first of these recognizes our motherhood is one of loss and abrupt separation, as well as love and connection. Many of us were denied as mothers, treated like criminals, abandoned by our families, our communities and our children's fathers. These are not the traditional experiences or sentiments associated with the Mother's Day observances, yet these remembrances are summoned forth each year at this time. A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Secondly our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. In our events in Seattle, birth mothers have attended with the adoptive mothers of their shared children, and adoptive mothers and fathers have attended on behalf of their adopted children as well. By honoring the humanity of the birth mother and acknowledging the relationships between all of us, Birth Mother's day is a radical affirmation of the meaning of family and the way of peace making for our communities.

A Time of Honor and Remembrance

by

Brenda Romanchik

It is no small thing to give life.
To feel the kick of tiny feet.
To know that no matter how far apart you are,
there will always be someone out there
with whom you are connected.
To be a mother is to love,
to nurture,
to care.

To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.

Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.

On Mother's Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.

For the love we will always have for them.

For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.

We begin by honoring each other.

For most birthmothers, Mother's Day is a day tinged with sadness and shame. Whether out of indifference or deliberate intent, family , friends and society in general often does not recognize our experience of motherhood. Many birthmothers feel that they do not have the right to be acknowledged on Mother's Day.

Each of us deals with the difficulties of Mother's Day in different ways. For some, a quiet day with sympathetic friends is most helpful, while others keep the pain and heartache of the day to themselves. A few, myself included, have come to use Mother's Day as a means of educating people, reminding others that this is a special day for birthmothers too.

A group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember, decided to create Birthmother's Day. The first gathering, on the Saturday before Mother's Day 1990, brought together birthmothers and supportive family and friends. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that the Saturday before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."

Birthmother's Day is now commemorated all over the country. As the word spreads, more and more groups are organizing their own ceremonies. It is becoming the way for birthmothers to proclaim their motherhood, and for those who love and support then, to honor and remember their role as lifegivers.

To begin their new tradition, the birthmothers in Seattle felt that they needed to do more than simply gather together. They decided to create a ceremony that would not only give voice to their loss, but honor to the sacrifices they have made as well. It was to be a time of healing, as well as a time for respect.

Birthmother's Day ceremonies include songs, poems and readings that reflect the experiences of the birthmothers present. There is usually also a time set aside for birthmothers to share their own stories and experiences. As Mary Jean Marsh states, "The ceremony we have created acknowledges both the sorrowful and joyful aspects of our motherhood. The flow is from the sorrowful to a solemn, but joyful, affirmation of ourselves and our interconnectedness."

When I first heard of Birthmother's Day my first reaction was very enthusiastic. I thought that a special day for birthmothers to be honored and remembered was an idea whose time had come. I have always believed that birthmothers deserve to be recognized for their experience of motherhood.

As I thought about it further, however, I've came to feel that, ideally, celebrating the birthmother's experience of motherhood should be on Mother's Day. In my own life my son's mother and I have always exchanged cards on Mother's Day. (Or should I say that she has always been sure to send me a card, and I've always tried to send one on time. Getting things into the mail on time is not my strong suit.) I have also always made sure that I am around people who honor my experience with motherhood on Mother's Day.

On the other hand, I also realize that this is not an ideal world. That there are some people who, while they may not feel that birthmothers have a genuine place in being honored on Mother's Day, do have a right to be recognized for their role in the life of their children. There are also birthmother's who feel that Mother's Day, a traditionally joyful holiday, does not address the loss that is inevitably a part of the birthmother's experience.

Ultimately, it is not really a question of how we celebrate and remember our experience of motherhood, but that we do it in the first place. For too long we have been silent, accepting the view that in relinquishing our rights to parent, that our experiences in giving birth, and mothering our children those first few precious days, never happened.

To be a mother is to love, to nurture, to care. Before we were ever birthmothers we were mothers. We have entered into the community of mothers by virtue of our love, by nurturing our children their first nine months of life, by caring for them enough to place them into the hands of another who could give them what we could not. Our experience of mothering, while not complete, is as valid as our children's adoptive mothers. Entrusting the adoptive mother with our role as parent does not negate all that has come before. That is what we need to remember and celebrate, in whatever way choose.

© Fostering Families' Magazine

Credits: Brenda Romanchik