Blaming Others (Lack of Accountability)

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Most children don't want to appear inadequate in front of other people. And they certainly don't want to be ridiculed, criticized, or punished for their mistakes.

Logical consequences

First of all, never set your children up to lie. More about that later under "Lying." If you suspect them of doing something wrong, have them correct it or make amends in some way. For instance, if you find your garage walls covered with Tempera paint, hand each of your children a bucket of water and a scrub brush and tell them, "It's all yours." Even if the innocents have to use a little elbow grease, they'll have bigger biceps to show for it. In other words, "it ain't gonna hurt 'em!"

Have your children take care of the feelings of those they unfairly blamed for their own mistakes.

Solutions toward self-direction

If your children don't accept the blame for a mistake they've made, tell them flat out that you weren't born yesterday. This candor stalls any attempts for them to create rationalizations that, in turn, could progress to self-deception.

Use impartial descriptions and information: "We believe in being accountable for our actions in our family." "I remember you promised Josh you'd take over his paper route this week."

Provide choices: "When you can accept responsibility for your actions, then you will be given the privileges that go along with a higher level of maturity."

Help your children develop the inner dialogue they need to avoid blame-shifting. Questioning is perfect for this: "Didn't you promise Josh you'd take over his paper route this week?" "What do you think is motivating you to blame him for not getting it done today?" "How do you feel when someone falsely accuses you?" "What can you do to make things right?"

Let your children know that it's okay to make mistakes, but once they do, they should focus immediately on a solution rather than find someone else to take the rap.

Admit your own mistakes and shortcomings freely to your children. You can't possibly raise them to be accountable for their actions when you aren't accountable for your own. And doing so will help them feel more at-ease in dealing with their own mistakes through internal dialogue.

Point out those times when your children do show a sense of accountability: "Mary, I bet you're so proud that you recognized your mistake and found a way to make it all better. I don't know many grown-ups that could do that!" (Sadly, this is true.)

Give your children age-appropriate tasks for which they can be responsible. If they fail at the task, point out everything they did well, in spite of the end result, guide them in correcting their mistake, and encourage them to keep trying. Children who learn to recover from defeat are generally highly accountable individuals.