The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Body image is so important today. And children will do nearly anything to distinguish themselves from the crowd through their outward appearance. It's as if they're wearing a flashing neon sign around their necks that's saying, "Notice me, dammit! I'm special!" Unfortunately, half of their peers are wearing that same darn sign.

Of course, there are cultural issues involved. And there's the matter of personal taste. But if you're the least bit skittish about your children making permanent alterations in their external appearance, here are some suggestions:

Logical consequences

If your children follow the stipulations and limits you set forth, regretting their decision will be consequence enough. Read on.

Solutions toward self-direction

I'm a firm believer in self-expression, but when the consequences of their self-expression are permanent, children should be allowed to act only after certain conditions have been met. For example, impose an age limit of fifteen years. You can veto alterations to certain parts of their bodies, like nipple studs (ouch!). To ensure they have the opportunity to feel the consequences of their decision, require them to go through a dress rehearsal. If it's a tattoo they want, they need to wear a temporary henna tattoo first. If it's an extra piercing on their earlobe, have them wear magnetic studs for a few months first. If they still want to go through with it after this waiting period, let 'em go for it! (But make them foot the bill!)

Explain the risks of these procedures. For instance, tongue piercing can cause a serious infection, but it can also alter dentition. The constant pushing of the stud against the back of the front teeth pushes them forward. Might get mistaken for Mister Ed or Trigger if they're not careful.

Model to your children the importance of embellishing what's inside. Questioning works well here: "How important is a person's exterior appearance nowadays?" "Do you think this emphasis is good or bad?" "Do you sometimes feel pressured by this trend?"

If you can think of any trends that were popular in your day and old-fashioned now, point them out. And if you have any tattoos or body piercings, let your children know how you feel about making a decision with lasting consequences. "I was really excited about getting a tattoo when I was your age, but now, I'd give anything to take it off. I've outgrown it years ago and am totally sick of it."