Recently, I was talking with a friend of the family. She's always been a nice woman, and she knows that I am a birth mom. She also knows of the openness of my adoption situation, and that I have another child that I am raising.

She and I were chatting away, and somehow, we got to talking about Russia. I thought that was an appropriate time to mention to her that one day, I would like to adopt a child from Russia. To my surprise, this woman turned and glared at me as if I just confessed to a local bank robbery. In a patronizing tone, she said: "Really? That is interesting, you being a birth mom and all."

Before I could respond, she was whisked away by a family member, which was probably for the best, because I was ready to grill this woman about her ill-worded comment. Truthfully, I didn't have to ask her, because it was written all over her face.

Why does society hold birth moms in some sort of frozen limbo? Reminds me of the saying, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." As if a birth mother will never have her day in the sun. Always a birth mom, never a mom?

Yes, I will forever be birth mom to my daughter, but I will not always be young, unmarried, and broke. Thank the Lord, you will not find me the same girl I once was, but in her place will be a woman, one with a family, husband, career, and future. Contrary to what some believe, there is a future after the relinquishment choice. And yes, I am grabbing a hold of it with both hands.

The family friend I mentioned earlier couldn't believe that a woman such as I ...who has "given up" her child ...could possibly step up and adopt someone else's child. Or possibly, she thought I was switching sides. As if I didn't like being a birth mom too much, so maybe I'd make myself look better by adopting. To equal out placing one child ...I could adopt one, right? Wrong. I could never replace my daughter with another child by birth--let alone one by adoption.

When I placed my daughter ...it wasn't a declaration to the world that I was a bad mom, nor was it an admission that I would forever be a bad parent. Actually, it wasn't even a declaration that I would have been a "bad" parent even then. There is a huge gap between being bad and being the best. I'm sure I fell somewhere down in the middle, but my daughter deserved the better.

When pregnant with my daughter, I had to do two things:

One: I had to look ahead into the future. I had to see past the baby, which contains the more "easier" parental jobs such as change diapers, feed every three hours, and tend to mounds of soiled clothing. I had to see the toddler years; when my child would throw tantrums and I had to discipline her. I had to see the school-age child; when my daughter had to be taught right from wrong - I had to see the teen years; when my child would test me to the edge with back-talk, not doing chores, and possibly sneaking out.

How can I get safely to the teen years, when I couldn't offer my daughter a good foundation to build on?

Two: I had to face my current parental ability. Yes, I could look down the road into my mid-twenties when I knew I'd be more ready to parent. But how would that help my daughter at age two? I had to see the me I was at that moment, and face reality. I couldn't hold my breath, close my eyes and jump into the lake of doubt clutching my daughter, and just hope that I will learn to swim ... someday. My child needed NOW.

Now, 'now' has passed and here I am in the 'then' - the future. I am close to my
mid-twenties, and I can say that I am a good and loving mom to my son. Someone once asked me, "Now that you know how being a single mom is ...do you look back on your daughter and think, 'I could have done this?'"

No, I honestly never have -- because I couldn't have. I simply am not the same person I was then, so therefore, do not hold myself to those standards. I am now the parent to my son that I saw in the future for my daughter, but I wasn't going to put my daughter in some sort of "limbo" until her mommy got it together. She needed parents that were there for the 'now'.

When I relinquished my parental rights to my daughter, I did not relinquish my rights to be a good parent to my future children. Please, do not judge the woman I am today by the girl I once was.

Skye Hardwick Copyright 2002 Do not use without Author's permission

Skye's Website for Birth moms: http://lifemothers.tripod.com

© Adoption Week e-Magazine

Credits: Skye Hardwick