The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

From their standpoint, it's torture sitting in one place for an eternity. Our children are used to wide open spaces where noise travels unobstructed and the distance between siblings is under their full control.

Logical consequences

Never start the car until everyone is buckled up. If someone unbuckles, pull over, safety permitting, and wait patiently until they belt up again.

If the noise or bickering level gets way out of hand, let your children know that driving with those kinds of distractions is dangerous. Then pull over when it's safe and convenient, and silently wait for everyone to settle down. Your children need to work things out between themselves, without any intervention on your part. If they don't pull their act together in a reasonable time, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to home they go!

Reverse time-outs work pretty well, too. If my children are going bananas in the car, I pull over, get out of the car, and wait quietly for them to settle down. They do, too, and quickly. When I look through the car window at them, I have to suppress my urge to throw back my head and laugh at their "Mom has really lost it this time" look.

Anyone who fights over or races to get the best seat has the last choice.

Solutions toward self-direction

Use questioning: "What are our rules about car behavior?" "Why do you think we have those rules?"

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "It's dangerous to argue while someone is trying to pay attention to their driving." "Arguing about who gets to sit where is not allowed in our family."

Offer them choices: "When you stop fighting in the car, then we can go to the restaurant."

For repeat offenders, I set up a mock outing. Without tipping them off to my ulterior and highly sneaky purpose, I'll tell them to pile in the car for a trip to someplace fun to which I couldn't care less about going. Seaworld, for example. Then I let them know that if they can't behave in the car, I'll turn around and go home, no matter what. The trip should be a little bit long, so they'll be some time between that warning and your destination. And if they mess up, as they're bound to do, stick to your guns and go back home. Say as little as possible, despite their ranting, raving, crying, and pleading. If they do behave, point this out and ask them if the car trip was more pleasant when everyone behaved civilly. Repeating this "mock run" from time to time will keep the car monsters at bay.