Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My 12-year-old daughter has begun menstruating. I told her all about it before it began, so I thought she knew what to expect. Normally she is a happy, outgoing, talkative person, but when it comes to this subject she clams up and absolutely will not discuss it. I cornered her in the bathroom to show her how to use the products, which produced results but also tears. I've tried to be matter-of-fact, I've tried humor, and I've explained that I'm not trying to embarrass her but just help her deal with something that will be part of her life for decades. But she'd rather ignore the subject, hide her soiled underwear, and pretend nothing happened. How can I help her?

Answer: It's not unusual for young adolescents to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed by these bodily changes, even when they've known they were coming. Knowing about something in the abstract is one thing; experiencing it firsthand is another. And the hormonal changes that accompany menstruation can make a girl extra sensitive and emotional. Not only are the physical changes hard for some girls to handle, but the onset of menstruation may trigger sadness about the loss of childhood. One mother I know said proudly to her daughter, "Now you're a woman!" only to have her daughter burst into tears and say, "But I still want to be a kid!"

Since your daughter is doing fine in other areas of development, I wouldn't worry about her uneasiness at this point. Over time she's likely to get increasingly comfortable with her body's new rhythms. Meanwhile, here are some things that might ease the way:

· Put together a basket with a generous supply of the products she'll need, including laundry soap for dealing with soiled clothes. Tell her matter-of-factly that she can keep these in her room so she can have the privacy she wants. If she has questions or needs help, she can let you know.

· Tell her you realize she's not used to the changes in her body yet, and you understand that. Lots of young women feel that way at first.

· Be mindful of what your daughter hears other people saying about menstruation. Often young girls hear older sisters, moms, or adult friends grumble about their periods. And young boys may make nasty jokes, leading girls to believe they should be ashamed. So it's important to balance this with a more positive, relaxed message.

Also, rest assured that as more of your daughter's friends reach this developmental milestone, the girls probably will talk among themselves and hopefully will help each other feel more at ease with their changing bodies.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 3 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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