"Childproofing" your Marriage when Adopting a Child

The transition to becoming a parent is one of the most momentous and joyous times in an adult's life. For adoptive parents, this transition can be an especially meaningful and potent event given the time, investment, and energy that has been put into the process of adopting a child. The tremendous commitment that adoptive parents take on in adopting a child makes it especially important to pay attention to the effects of that transition on the marriage, since there is a particular risk that the marriage may take a "back seat" to the goal of becoming a parent. In marriages of both adoptive and non-adoptive parents, there are many pitfalls that may await new parents in terms of their relationship with one another.

Why is the transition to becoming a parent often so hard on a marriage? Researchers have found that marital satisfaction takes a precipitous drop during the transition to becoming a parent, and several factors account for this decline. First, becoming a parent involves a dramatic life shift requiring the rearrangement and re-negotiation of schedules and priorities. With the addition of a child into the home, parents must juggle not only the needs of each other, but also the needs of a new (and very needy!) person. Second, partners whose division of household labor was fairly equal prior to having a child find their roles become more traditional, generally more so than either partner would have anticipated before the transition. Third, the dynamics of the family shift considerably -- where there were two, now there are three -- and inevitably "triangle dynamics" (i.e., two against one) now arise. Finally, for some families there is a risk that a new child may be brought into the picture, in part, to "fix" a broken marriage or to make up for a lack of marital intimacy.

So what can a couple do to protect their marriage when entering into the transition to becoming adoptive parents? Here are four strategies to help to "childproof" your marriage. (These are also useful to keep in mind even if your adopted child is not your first, since the addition of a new family member, even for a seasoned parent, is still a time of transition and adjustment.)

1. Reserve time to connect with your spouse separately from your role as a parent.

For some couples, this might mean making a weekly date. For other couples, this might involve setting aside a few minutes each night after the child is asleep to talk about how things are going.

2. Utilize your available social support (family and friends).

Social support can involve both pragmatic support (e.g., babysitting) as well as emotional support (a sympathetic ear).

3. Keep open lines of communication with your partner regarding the division of household tasks and childcare responsibilities.

New parents are often surprised at how traditional their roles start to become. Open discussion and negotiation about how each partner would like things to be can be enormously helpful in heading off feelings of resentment. How each parent feels about the division of household work is more important than seeking an absolute even split, which often is not possible.

4. Take some time to increase your awareness around your relationship with your own parents.

Being thoughtful about these relationships and your own history is important because one's own experience of being parented has a tremendous impact on how you shape your own parenting. The more aware you are of these influences, the more purposeful you can be in your role as a parent, and the fewer unpleasant "surprises" you and your partner will have.

Becoming an adoptive parent can be a time of great joy and fulfillment. Taking a little bit of extra time to safeguard your marriage during this process can pay big dividends and strengthen your relationship with your partner for years to come.

Ben Gorvine, PhD
The Adoptive Families Program
The Family Institute at Northwestern University
618 Library Place
Evanston, IL 60201
Tel: 847-733-4300
Fax: 847-733-0390
Email: family-institute@northwestern.edu
www.family-institute.org