Children and Divorce

After months of soul searching, Jon and Phoebe made a mutual decision. Their 12-year marriage was over but for the legal paperwork. Having agreed to divorce, the soon-to-be ex-couple looked beyond their own woes and focused on how they could help their two children, 10-year-old Diana and four-year-old Zack, deal with the break up of the family.

Unfortunately, Jon and Phoebe are fictional characters. In most divorce situations, the adults involved are in crisis. Coping with emotions that can travel from rage to grief in an instant, mothers and fathers often find the task of effective parenting temporarily beyond them.

Which is troubling. The news that parents are seeking divorce is invariably traumatic for children. It's a time when they need the adults in their life to give them reassurance, comfort and accurate, non-biased information.

For their short- and long-term well being, children need to have a simple, honest and brief explanation about why the divorce is occurring. It's extremely important at this time to let young children know that nothing they did caused the divorce.

Children should also be given information about how their lives will change. They need to know who the custodial parent will be, where they will live and when they will visit with the non-custodial parent.

One of the most effective things divorcing parents can do is to let a child know that, in spite of the divorce, his parents will work hard to ensure that his life will continue to have predictability. He also needs to understand that Mum and Dad will continue to be there to love and protect him.

If possible, tell a child about divorce a week or more before the actual parting. This will save the child the trauma of a sudden and unexpected departure. It will also provide him the opportunity to ask questions. Most importantly, it will signal to him that the separation of his parents does not mean he is being abandoned or rejected, a common worry among children of divorce.

"So, is everything going okay? Anything that's troubling you? Something you want to bring up?"

With variations on a theme, Jason has been asking his son, Andrew, the questions every other Sunday night for the past year. That was when he and Carol, Andrew's mother, divorced. The routine, Jason feels, has helped to make sure that the arrangements regarding such issues as visitation schedules meet his son's needs. In a larger sense, the weekly check-up has helped the father ascertain how well his boy is adjusting to his new life.

There's no question that divorce can have long lasting negative implications. Children of divorce can become adults who are fearful of commitment or programmed to fail in relationships. Given the consequences, separating parents would be well advised to do all they can to help their offspring make more positive adjustment to divorce.

Perhaps one of the most caring things parents can do is to allow the child to express her feelings. Grief, mourning, anger against a specific parent, anxiety and depression are common feelings among children in the year following the actual divorce.

At the same time, parents must be careful to maintain effective discipline and house rules. Saying yes when you would have previously said no only makes a child more confused and insecure.

If possible, parents in joint-custody arrangements ought to try to maintain similar home schedules such as meal and bed times. Similarly, they should work together to help the child sustain relationships with peers and other significant adults in her life.

Parents who keep children out of adult conflicts and who continue to treat former spouses respectfully will do much to ease a child's journey into a new life. Asking a child to choose sides or spy on your ex-mate is sure to up any child's anxiety level, not to mention hinder the process of adjustment.

© Algoma Family Services