Children and Forgetfulness
Question: Should a parent be concerned when a 10-year-old almost always forgets what she's been told to do? If she's asked to make her bed and brush her teeth, she forgets at least one of those tasks. We are tired of constantly scolding and reminding her.
Answer: There probably are few parents who have not lamented their child's so-called forgetfulness at one time or another. There could be many reasons for your daughter's behavior, most of them not cause for serious concern. She may still be sleepy in the morning and just not feeling sharp enough to stay focused on all of those morning tasks. Or, as with many 10-year-olds, she may not like doing those morning chores and may be "forgetting" on purpose. Also, this pre-adolescent period is a time of rapid developmental changes, and many parents report that their formerly organized, focused kids become really "flaky" at this age. Kids sometimes have much more important things to think about than making beds and brushing teeth.
Whatever the underlying cause of your daughter's behavior, this is a good opportunity to help her learn to be more responsible. You've already figured out that constant scolding and reminding are not helpful. In fact, she may even have discovered that "forgetfulness" is a way to engage you in a running battle with her. The challenge is to find ways to let her be in charge of her morning routine and for you to stay as uninvolved as you can. For some kids it helps to make a checklist of morning tasks and tape it on the bedroom door. (All the better if your daughter makes it herself, with guidance from you as needed.) If there are certain things you do for her in the morning (e.g. make her breakfast, give her lunch money, drive her to school), you might leave it up to her to tell you when she's done with her tasks before you do yours. Or perhaps weekend privileges could be contingent on her having all (or most) of her items checked off for the week. Also, don't forget to catch your daughter being good. Be sure to notice when she is being responsible and let her know that you're pleased and proud.
Of course, there's always a chance that your daughter really is unusually forgetful. If she truly has trouble remembering a series of directions--and if this occurs across different situations (including school) and over a long period of time--then it would be wise to talk with her teachers or a school psychologist to assess the problem. But most likely, this is just ordinary kid stuff, just like what your parents--and mine--went through with us.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
