Children and Guns
Question: We decided when our son was born that we would not have toy guns in the house, but now that he's three, he's begging us to buy him one. Most of the other boys in our neighborhood play with toy guns and, as much as we hate it, our son joins right in when he's with them. We're struggling with how to handle this.
Answer: I wonder how many thousands of parents have found that, even when they do not allow toy guns in the house, their kids use a friend's toy gun, a stick, or even a finger, to act out their part in shoot-'em-up games. In fact, I remember well when my husband and I ran into the same situation with our son. At this age, kids are trying on all kinds of roles and acting out their fantasies and fears through play. But that doesn't mean that you need to throw up your arms and say, "Oh well!" This situation presents a rich opportunity for you to communicate important values to your child. Here are a few ideas that other parents have found helpful:
Stick to your rule about not buying toy guns for your child and, when he asks, give him a clear reason why you are not giving in. Right now the reason will have to be very simple. For example, "Mommy and Daddy don't like guns. Guns hurt people." But as your son gets older, you will be able to elaborate on the reasons, helping him understand why you don't like even pretend violence.
When you deny him a toy gun, offer a more acceptable substitute by directing him toward something else that he finds exciting and fun. The substitution principle is an important one in many parenting situations: when you tell children what they cannot do, also tell them what they can do.
As for his gun play with the other children in the neighborhood, it is probably best not to interfere directly as long as no one is getting hurt. If you turn it into a power struggle, it may only make that kind of play more desirable. However, you could look for opportunities to introduce your son and the neighbor children to other activities that allow them to release all that energy. Engage them in sports or some of the nonviolent games you and your friends played when you were little.
Keep in mind that extensive exposure to violence on television and movies is associated with increased aggressive play in children. Monitor what your son watches and help to guide him toward programs that offer positive models.
Finally, let me applaud you for your planfulness in thinking about your values and deciding ahead of time the kind of message you want to give your son about gun play. It sometimes is frustrating to feel that your messages are not getting through, but in the long run you will make a difference.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
