Children and Play Guns

GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.

Question:

My three-year-old son seems to be obsessed with guns. He wants to draw them, play with them and build them. I am against guns and do not allow them in my home. I tell him that I will not buy him a toy gun and that I don't want him drawing them, but he says he is going to anyway. He makes anything and everything into a toy gun, particularly sticks. Is this a phase for him? Am I being too strict about the no gun policy?

Answer:

I can't count how many parents have told me that, even when they do not allow toy guns in the house, their kids use a friend's toy gun, a stick, or even a finger, to act out their part in shoot-'em-up games. In the preschool years, kids are trying on all kinds of roles and acting out their fantasies and fears through play. For most children, the intense interest in guns subsides as they have increasing opportunities to get involved in a broader range of activities. But that doesn't mean you need to simply wait out this stage. This is a good time to teach your son important lessons about your values and beliefs. But it's important that you do so in a way that doesn't magnify his interest by making guns the focus of a big power struggle. Here's what I suggest:

*Stick to your rule about not allowing guns in the house--real or toy--and give your son a clear reason for your policy. While he's still very young, he will need a very simple reason: "Guns hurt people, so we don't have any guns in our house--even toy guns." As your son gets older, you can elaborate on the reasons, helping him understand why you object even to pretend violence.

*When you deny him a toy gun, offer an acceptable substitute--something fun and exciting that he can play with. (This is an important child rearing principle: when you tell a child what he can NOT play with, you tell him what he CAN play with--the principle of substitution.)

*If you see your son pretending that his finger or a stick is a gun, you may want to ignore it as long as he's not likely to hurt anyone. Focusing too much attention on that kind of symbolic play can create a power struggle that backfires, actually increasing such play. Nonetheless, you could look for opportunities to broaden the range of his imaginative play--for example, joining him in acting out his favorite storybook or an imaginative trip to outer space.

*Similarly, you may want to ease up on trying to control what your son draws and not make a big deal of it when he draws guns. But again, you could encourage other kinds of artistic expression by suggesting that he draw pictures of his favorite stories, places he'd like to go on summer, vacation, or the most unusual animal at your local zoo.

*Finally, remember that extensive viewing of violence in movies or on television (even cartoons.) is associated with high levels of aggressive play. And because a three-year-old cannot yet distinguish between reality and fantasy, violent images in the media often stir up fear and anxiety. So monitor carefully what your son watches and encourage him to view programs that offer positive models. And when, despite your best efforts, he does see violent images, talk with him about what he's seen and about the peaceful options that would have been better. Even if you don't see immediate results, know that with consistency, patience and persistence, you will shape the most important values and behaviors your son will carry with him into adult life.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

WANT NEWS ABOUT THE U DELIVERED TO YOUR DESKTOP? SUBSCRIBE NOW TO TODAY'S NEWS OR NEWS DIGEST.

The University of Minnesota is an equal opportunity educator and employer.
© 2000 by the Regents of the University of Minnesota