Children in Stepfamilies

Although Samantha's natural parents divorced when she was five, the nine-year-old Grade 4 student has remained a relatively sunny child. That is until several months ago when her mother remarried. These days, Samantha seems to spend a lot of time in her bedroom, locked away from her mother stepfather and two new siblings.

Samantha's reaction is unfortunately typical. Almost all children who become part of a stepfamily experience difficulty adapting to some degree.

Yet, with care and persistence, natural and new parents can help lessen the trauma associated with the creation of a new family unit.

The first thing a parent can do is to attempt to understand the remarriage from the child's perspective.

Consider Samantha. At the same time that the youngster is feeling abandoned by her primary caregiver and best friend, she's also unsure of her place in her new world. Once the main person in her mother's life, Samantha now has to share her parent's attention with an older and younger brother as well as a new spouse.

At the same time, Samantha finds herself grieving over the loss of her natural father in a way she never did before.

Faced with such intense and complex feelings, many new stepchildren can benefit from talking to a therapist. A counselor can also assist parents to develop some awareness of a child's experience.

Parents in step families often comment that a child will ask the same questions over and over. This is common behavior as children grapple with accepting their new reality. The best approach is to answer the query as often as it is presented.

Special consideration should be given to teenagers who become stepchildren. It's natural that parents in the new family want each member to participate in the creation of the new unit. However, it's also natural for teenagers to want to develop their own separate identity. A 15-year-old stepchild needs his own space.

Lastly, parents in a stepfamily must not expect a quick fix. As life-experienced adults, they most of all know that it takes time to for mutual trust and caring to develop.

© Algoma Family Services