Classroom Valentine Heartbreak
Question: With Valentine's Day approaching, I'm concerned that we might have a repeat of last year, when our son was heartbroken because he got only a few valentines at his classroom party. How can we handle this if it happens again?
Answer: There is no reason that any child should have to go through an experience of rejection at a school party. I urge you to talk with your son's teacher right away to find out what the plan is for this year's party and to urge him or her to make sure no one is left out. One easy solution, and a common practice in many schools, is to instruct children and their parents to bring enough valentines for everyone--or, if they can't do that, not to bring any. Alternatively, since some families may find it burdensome to buy valentines, the teacher could have the children make cards during class. If it's too time-consuming for the students to make cards for everyone in the class, they could draw names.) Or, instead of an in-class exchange, perhaps students could make valentines that would be delivered to children at a local hospital. A sensitive teacher should be glad to work with you to come up with a fair and positive plan for this year's party.
Nevertheless, just in case you (or other readers) still run into problems with a child feeling rejected at a class party, there are a few things I'd suggest. First, find out from the teacher what is typical and how unique your child's experience is. For example, is he really receiving fewer cards than other kids, or is that just his perception? And how do the children in the class understand the meaning of valentines? Are they picking up on the romantic idea of the holiday and feeling embarrassed about looking like they have a crush on someone? This kind of information might help you help your son come to a different understanding of his experience.
If, after learning more about the circumstances, you determine that your son truly is being left out, compared to his classmates, then it's time to talk with him and his teacher about why this is happening. Does he have trouble getting along with other children? Does he fight or make fun of others? Is he shy and in need of help in learning how to make friends? Is there anything about him that makes him an easy target for teasing--and, if so, what is the teacher doing to intervene with his classmates so that he is treated respectfully? Whatever the situation, it's important that you and the teacher work in partnership to help your son and his classmates make more positive connections with each other.
Through it all, it's important that you be there to listen to your son and help him put his feelings into words ("I can see that you're really angry," or sad or hurt). Your steady love and concern will help him feel secure enough to deal with the social ups and downs that are a part of childhood.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
