The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children cling because they're trying to seek undue attention, or to manipulate, or because they're genuinely fearful. It's natural for younger children to go through clingy phases, especially when they're learning some new and scary skill, experiencing stress at school, or feeling sick.

Logical consequences

If your children cling to you for undue attention or for other manipulative reasons, simply insist that they give you your space: "Caroline, I'm reading the paper now. You can sit in my lap when I'm finished." Don't make a big deal about it, because yelling and nagging may be just the attention they seek, even though it's negative. If they cling to your leg like a boat anchor, firmly peel them off and say, "I need to have my body to myself right now. I know you'll be perfectly fine on your own."

If your children cling to you out of fear, insecurity, fatigue, or illness, negative logical consequences aren't appropriate. They need you!

Solutions toward self-direction

Help your children feel that their surroundings are safe. Don't scare them with statements like "Never wander away from me, again! I was so scared! Someone could have taken you away from me forever!" This fear only provides them with a reason to be externally directed.

Convey that you have faith in your children to handle themselves independently.

Give your children ample opportunity to accomplish various feats of independence early on, like making their own lunches or learning how to ride a bike.

Try not to do what they can manage for themselves. I've seen mothers feeding their eight- or nine-year-olds their cereal, for God's sake! As if mothers don't have anything better to do with their time? They can come over to my house. I'll find plenty of ways to keep them busy!

Make observations when they act independently: "You tied your shoes all by yourself today, Ricky!" "Did you make your own breakfast just now, Brianna?"

Use questioning: "What is it that frightens you?" "What do you think might happen if you do that by yourself?"