The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Many children find strength within a group. The exclusionary tactics of cliques makes kids feel superior to others, because it classifies those who aren't "members" as inadequate or undeserving. Having both a common enemy and the same privileged status binds them all closer together.

Logical consequences

If you discover that your children are involved in cliques, they shouldn't be allowed to play with those friends until exclusionary measures are stopped. That means no parties, sleepovers, play dates, and so on.

Have your children and their friends come up with ways to maintain the group cohesiveness without excluding others. If they wish, help mediate and give suggestions.

Require them to make amends with whoever had their feelings hurt by the clique's exclusionary tactics.

Solutions toward self-direction

Role-play scenarios where your children play the child who is being ostracized.

Use questioning: "How would you feel if a clique excluded you from play?" "Can you think of a way you can maintain your friendships with these kids without hurting other people's feelings?"

Use impartial descriptions and information: "I see Tommy really got upset when you and your friends told him he couldn't play hide-and-seek with you guys." "We don't allow cliques in our family."

Use choices, too: "When you and Sarah can be friends without excluding others, then you can get together again."

Put your children in charge of transforming the clique into an open group: "Johnny, you're such a good leader. Can you help your friends find ways to play without making anyone feel left out?" When he realizes the benefits of disbanding a clique, he'll incorporate the experience for use in any future internal dialogue.