In the beginning of Amy's seventh grade year she, along with her friends, prepared for cheerleading try-outs. For a seventh grade girl there is nothing more important than donning the flare-out skirts and bright colored pom pom's. Finally, on the day of try-outs they were told to wait out in the hall until their name was called, where upon they would enter the gymnasium enthusiastically executing an example of the energy necessary to be on the team.

The first girl was called. Ten minutes later she returned, cheeks flushed, big smile on her face. Same went the second and third girl. The fourth girl however, returned back through the door in tears. Amy watched in horror as she told her friend, "I couldn't do the jumps, they're too hard! Then they told me to start over three times during my routine! I'm terrible, I know I didn't make it!"

Amy became nervous. The fifth girl returned unscathed, to Amy's relief. Yet upon the sixth girl's return, the same scene unfolded with tears and shame. And with the seventh girl, and the tenth girl as well. Amy ran all the way home. She was not about to subject herself to such shame as not making the cheerleading team. She did not even try-out.

The following year Amy's best friend encouraged her to try-out with her. Amy flatly refused saying, "No way am I going in there to make a fool of myself." Her friend continued to beg and prod her, finally telling her, "We'll both try-out. If one of us doesn't get it, neither of us will join." So, Amy relented.

Three weeks later as Amy's name was called in the gymnasium after a long day of try-outs she didn't hear what had been said. Her best friend embraced her, screaming in delight. Amy asked, "What? Did I make it?" Her best friend laughed, "Not only did you make it Amy, but you're Head Cheerleader."

When we take on other people's truths as our own, we set ourselves up for limitation, failure, and fear of the unknown.

For instance, "The birthmother that chose us changed her mind at the last minute. We've never been more devastated in our lives. Don't relax until those papers are signed and sealed and be careful about how much you say or how much you get involved."

Is that a fair assumption of all situations? No. It is one situation with one outcome with one woman's emotions and opinions.

She assumed that the birthmother in this case chose to parent based on things she (the adopting mother) said and also how involved she (the adoptive mother) got before placement.

I spoke with the caseworker in regards to this situation and asked her what she believed to be the reasons behind this birthmother deciding to parent at the last minute. She explained that the birthmothers parents had, at the end, expressed their desire to help their daughter raise her child and the birthmother simply took them up on it.

What is disheartening is that now this adopting mother has chosen to have her profile shown only to those birthmothers wishing for closed adoptions. She did not choose to believe the caseworker when told of the true reasons for what happened.

This has caused her to:
1.) Not trust herself or her instincts.
2.) Not like or trust birthmothers in general.
3.) Become angry at the adoption system.

Would it have been nice had the birthmothers parents stepped up sooner to express their willingness to help? Of course. Would it have been beneficial had the caseworker acknowledged that this birthmother truly did want to parent and just needed better resources? Of course. But can we assume that all birthmothers will change their minds? Can we assume that the words and actions of adopting parents have such a powerful influence on a birthmothers choice to relinquish that if said or done "wrong" they will not become parents? Are we willing to risk so many possibilities based on mere assumptions?

My relinquishment left me with un-met expectations and broken promises. I was devastated for years and still am to this day. Yet in the last four years that I've been working with birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and adoption agencies I have witnessed the creation of many, many, healthy adoption relationships. Just because my adoption went awry, should I believe that all adoptions do? Because my son's adoptive parents broke their promises, should we believe that all adoptive parents do?

There is an element, of course, that cannot be denied. We should listen and educate ourselves on other's situations and experiences. We should prepare ourselves. But what we should not do is limit ourselves based on fear of what could happen simply because it happened to someone else.

When you find yourself taking on the realities and fears of others, ask yourself these questions:

1.) Is it likely that this will happen to me?
2.) What can I learn from this person's experience?
3.) Is there something healthy I can do in my life to avoid this happening to me?
4.) Do I really know the entire truth of this person's experience, or is it one-sided?

Guard your heart. Lock your closet door and stay on the outside. Practice staying true to your instincts. Assumption is the leading cause of trauma in adoption. Prevent it.

Amy and I sit and talk about her two years as Head Cheerleader now over coffee and the giggles and arguments of our children playing near-by. Amy is confined to a wheelchair from a near fatal car accident in 1996. She is paralyzed from the waist down.

She laughs as we discuss how silly it was for her to have been so afraid. Then, Amy looks down at her legs, pauses and says, "I didn't know all those years ago that I wouldn't ever be able to jump and cheer again. I'm just glad I got to then."