Complaining Kids
Question: When our 10-year-old comes home from school, he dumps on us a barrage of complaints about his teachers, his classmates, the food in the lunchroom--anything and everything about school. In general, he doesn't seem unhappy and shows no reluctance to go to school in the morning. But the complaining is no fun to listen to. What should we do?
Answer: It's encouraging that your son seems happy overall and that he doesn't show any school avoidance. Nevertheless, it would be wise to stay in close touch with his teachers and make sure that everything is going OK from their point of view. Also, pay attention to his friendships, watching for signs that his peer relations are healthy. Does he have at least one or two friends with whom he enjoys getting together?
If indeed there does not appear to be a problem beyond his end-of-the-day grumbling, you may just be experiencing a fairly common phenomenon: mom and dad being dubbed a safe place to dump the day's garbage. After being on good behavior all day at school, sometimes kids just need to complain about the little stuff. And home is a safe place to let it all out. (We adults often do that with our family or close friends at the end of a workday, too.) The following steps have worked well for many parents who have been in your shoes:
· Begin by simply hearing and acknowledging your son's feelings--for example, "I can see you really were bummed out by the way that kid acted in the lunchroom."
· If it's a problem that needs more attention, engage your son in brainstorming about how he might handle it when it surfaces again. This is a good opportunity to help him develop coping skills and a sense of his ability to deal with tough situations.
· If all suggestions are met with, "Yes, but . . .", you might try saying, "Well, I guess there's nothing you can do." Sometimes "siding with the helplessness" will wake a person up to finding his own solution.
· Some parents have told me it's helpful to designate a "whine time," when everyone can grouse about the crummy things that happened during the day. Then it's nice to balance that with, "OK now, what went RIGHT today?" Kids need to know it's all right to get the bad feelings out on the table. But it's also important that the positive not get lost in the process.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
