The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children complain to manipulate, to get attention, and to drive us bananas. Some complain because they feel over-controlled and don't think they have a voice in matters that are important to them. Others complain because it works. They get their way every time.

Logical consequences

Once your children complain inappropriately, like "I never get to go out with my friends. You're such a mean mother!" tell them they obviously don't have the maturity to voice their problems constructively and politely. In that case, they're too immature to go out alone with their friends.

Solutions toward self-direction

Don't you gripe all of the time in front of your children, or speak disrespectfully to them.

Otherwise, they'll internalize the assumption that these are acceptable forms of behavior.

Raise your children to understand that not everything works out as they expect. Teach your children alternatives to complaining by rewording what they say:

Sally: "It's so boring in this family. I hate it!"

Mom: "Mom, can you help me come up with some ways to spend my extra time?"

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "Complaining only irritates people. It's the last thing that'll get you what you want." "We don't allow complaining in our family."

Offer choices: "When you stop complaining, then I'll be able to listen to what you have to say."

Teach your children to focus on the solution, not the blame. Complaining often is their way of placing blame elsewhere.

Use humor: In your most official voice, say something like, "This is an announcement of the National Complaint Broadcasting System. The Webb residence has now been declared a gripe-free zone. All violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

Try to get them to communicate more cooperatively by approaching them with observations: "I notice you're complaining a lot. If you want me to listen, you'll need to speak to me more constructively and with a positive attitude."

Role-play situations where first you and then they play the complainer.