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Contact Disturbs Kids

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My husband and I have adopted two daughters after raising our three natural children. The birth mother knows who we are because we were the former foster parents of the girls. She refuses to leave us alone (calls, letters, packages in the mail). I have asked her to leave us alone repeatedly. I do send pictures and updates to the birth grandmother. The adoption was not "OPEN", but due to us being foster parents we were already known. How can I get her to leave us alone? It gives the girls nightmares when she calls, etc. We are struggling to keep their progress going forward - not backward from the abuse they endured. - Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Quite a dilemma. I would think you could have anticipated this happening when you decided to adopt the children. Of course I do not know the circumstances, but maybe a judge could issue a restraining order?

Also, and you may not like this advice, please try not to criticize this birthmother too much to the children. Their picking up on your ill feelings could hurt them as badly as the memories of abuse. And, they will always be a part of her. It may well be in their best interest not to see her now, but there may well come a day when they want to, and believe me, they will remember any bad things you said about her and throw it back at you.

I am sure adopting older children comes with lots of baggage. Child abuse is a horrible thing, but many people change, (I know... an equal or greater number do not). Also when the children reflect back in a few years, the bad memories may be outweighed by a few good ones.

Best wishes,
Lezli

Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
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