Cool Down Before Lashing Out

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question:
I love my child more than anything else in the world, but sometimes I get so mad I actually feel like hurting him. When he refuses to do what I tell him, or when he gets all hyped up and won't settle down, I feel a strong urge to shake or hit him. So far I've been able to control those impulses, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose it one of these days. What can I do?

Answer:
You already have taken the first important step by admitting your feelings. Nearly all parents feel that way at times, but not all are willing to admit it. Give yourself credit for the fact that you have kept those difficult emotions in check so far and have not hurt your child. This shows you have the strength and maturity to get through those frustrating times, which all parents face.

One way to be sure you won't "lose it" and lash out at your child in the future is to identify when you feel the pressure building, then take time out to cool down before you've gone too far. Sometimes just breathing deeply and counting to 10 is enough. Other times you may need to go into another room and collect yourself for a few minutes. Perhaps you have a good friend you can call when you feel yourself getting worked up. Your friend might want to do the same with you--a kind of parental buddy system. As a preventive measure, maybe you can exchange babysitting every couple of days, even just for short times, to allow you to go for a walk or take a nap. It's hard enough being a parent when you're well rested, but when you're overtired it can feel almost impossible.

In your community there are bound to be other parents who share the same struggle. The best prevention is to link up with other parents and support each other. Where you live in Minnesota, your school district offers Early Childhood Family Education classes through Community Education. The classes cover a range of practical child-rearing topics,and they're a great way to connect with other parents. Also, Family Support Network offers peer-facilitated support groups for parents who want to build their confidence and competence in positive parenting. For further information, call 1-800-CHILDREN or visit the website of Prevent Child Abuse America, www.preventchildabuse.org.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.