Daycare Guilt
Question: How can I make the drop-off easier at daycare? My two-year-old son sometimes screams, cries and clings to me, making me feel extremely guilty that I have to go to work. I feel I'm abandoning him!
Answer: It's not unusual for toddlers to raise a fuss when parents drop them off at daycare. The screaming and crying can reflect several different things. First, many two-year-olds have not yet moved beyond the normal stage of separation anxiety, a period when they feel most secure when mom or dad is nearby. This intense separation anxiety gradually decreases as the child develops language skills, becomes more interested in being with other children, and learns that parents leave for a while, but always come back.
In today's busy world, children's fussing about separations also can reflect their frustration at being rushed from one place to another--especially early in the morning--when they would rather meet the day more gradually. Separation protest often is further exacerbated when the child picks up the ambivalent or guilty feelings parents have about leaving their child. If a child senses that the parent sees the separation as a big deal, he's likely to see it the same way.
To ease your own guilt, it's important that you realize that being in childcare is not necessarily a negative thing for a two-year-old. In fact, there are many benefits associated with good childcare, including stimulation of language and cognitive development and opportunities to develop social skills. Also, researchers have found that the parent-child attachment can be just as strong and secure for mothers who work outside the home as those who stay home full-time.
That said, here are a few steps you can take to try to ease the separations.
Slow down the getting ready process in the morning. Build into your morning some time for snuggling and reading a story together. Or make time for a breakfast together that is not rushed. As hard as it is to get up a few minutes earlier in the morning, it is worth it to reduce the stress that comes with being too rushed.
Encourage your son to use "transitional objects" to help him separate from you. That's a fancy name for special blankets, teddy bears, or whatever special object gives your son comfort.
Be matter-of-fact when leaving your child at the childcare center. Give him a nice, warm hug and tell him his childcare provider will take good care of him while you're at work. Then smile and say, "I'll see you this afternoon," as you walk confidently out the door.
Relish the reunion when you pick your son up at the end of the day. Greet both him and his caregiver warmly, look at his art work, or have him show you the things he played with. If you communicate to him that you think childcare is a safe and fun place for him, he'll be more likely to perceive it that way.
There is just one caveat to these reassurances: It is always possible that a young child's ongoing crying signals that his childcare setting is not a good place for him--or, in a small number of cases, that the child's difficulty with separation signals an emotional problem. If, over the next few weeks, your child does not respond well to the suggestions I've made, you should look further into the situation. Especially if your son is not settling down within a few minutes after you leave him, investigate more closely the quality of care he is receiving at the center. Or, if his separation anxiety is intense and prolonged and occurs across a variety of situations, seek guidance from your pediatrician or a child psychologist.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
