Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question:
My 13-year-old daughter has become unbelievably rude and sassy with me lately. She's at her worst in front of her friends, such as when I'm driving them to the mall or when she has kids over for dinner or a video. It seems like she's trying to impress her friends with how tough she is, but it makes me furious. I know kids this age are moody, and I don't want to embarrass her by reprimanding her in front of her friends, but I'm feeling like a doormat. What is the best way to handle this?

Answer:
It's true that 13-year-olds are moody and that they often disagree or test limits in their push toward independence. But we don't do our children any favors by tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite; teenagers do best when parents set and enforce clear and reasonable limits. Embarrassing or not, it's time to put a halt to your daughter's disrespectful behavior--for your sake and hers. I suggest you take the following steps:

In private, tell your daughter that her recent disrespectful behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it from now on, regardless of whether her friends are around. (You don't mention your daughter's father, but I hope he will stand with you on this.)

Tell your daughter in clear and certain terms how you expect her to talk to you--for example, in a calm voice without swearing or name-calling. (A "thank you" for the ride to the mall or dinner for her friends would be in order as well.)

Tell her exactly how you will respond if she crosses the line. For example, if she slips into disrespectful behavior when others are not around, you will simply turn away or go to another room; you will talk with her when she's ready to do so respectfully. If you are driving her someplace, you will turn around and go home.

Or if her friends are over for dinner, you will call their parents to pick them up, explaining why you've had to put an end to the social evening. Let your daughter know that if she finds these consequences embarrassing, it is her choice how to behave. She can avoid the embarrassment by treating you with respect.

Then, once your daughter knows what you expect, follow through promptly and consistently. Let your actions show that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

Finally, once you have turned your focus away from your daughter's negative behavior, pay attention to the positive. When you enjoy a fun outing or a quiet evening at home with your daughter, let her know you enjoyed the time together. And if she calmly and respectfully questions a rule you've set or a request you've made (as any teenager is bound to do), listen to her point of view. Sometimes she will have a good point and you may decide to adjust your expectations accordingly. (For example, you might decide to extend her curfew by a half hour, or agree to let her go biking with a friend before she settles down to do her homework.) As teenagers move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a parent, you have a responsibility to help your daughter practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.